Friday, December 25, 2009

Man, I have weird taste in music

No, I haven't forgotten about this blog--not completely, anyway!

I dunno what happened there...my enthusiasm for updating just emptied out in one great gush about a month back. Well, maybe not all at once--I was getting pretty lax on the twice-a-week thing even before then...

But rest assured, I'm back now! And I'm not even waiting until New Year's to take up the rein again--a month off is more than enough, I think. There'll be at least one new post going up next week, I'm not sure what just yet. Maybe I'll finally finish up that first Quag Keep article...

Until then, here's a brand-new weekly music video--a holiday song, no less:

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Your weekly music video

Two kinds of people I can't stand: Portland cops and people who don't like Katatonia.


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I am SO gonna get beaten up

Oh, you're Chris Humphreys, are you?

You have no problem identifying with a murderous thug, then. Superb.

A few months ago my grandfather came to visit. He mentioned how he'd heard Portland had problems with gangs in the past and asked if that was still the case. I told him that there's only one gang in town right now, and they're called the Portland Police Department.

I was semi-joking at the time. Now I realize how right I was. When presented with a shithead who should by rights be seen as a disgrace to their profession, the PPD opt instead to make a martyr of him. How laughable that one of the few remaining effective unions in this country spends most of its time standing for the rights of unrepentant thugs and racists, viewing even the most halfhearted slap on the wrist as an unforgivable insult.

Were this world perfect, the thug Humphreys would receive every punishment and injury he inflicted upon his victims. I wonder if his supporters would be so eager to claim his identity then.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Your weekly music video

In honor of season 3. New article should go up sometime this weekend.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A slight modification

So, originally my Quag Keep review was gonna be a Let's Play-style chapter-by-chapter dissection. On further examination, I think I'm going to jettison that plan. It's not a terribly long book, but it'd still take a hell of a long time at one chapter a week. And believe me, Quag Keep does NOT deserve that kind of analysis. So I think I'll just do it more big chunk by big chunk--still multi-part, though.

Some initial impressions:

Remember how I assumed that Andre Norton was a crappy writer? Yeah, so far it looks like I was right on the money. Here's the first sentence of the book:

"Eckstern produced the package with an exaggerated flourish and lifted the lid of the box to pluck out shredded packing with as much care as if he were about to display the crown jewels of some long-forgotten kingdom."

THE ENTIRE BOOK IS LIKE THIS. Norton does NOT do brevity. Except, heh, when it comes to characterization.

Also, do you know what Eckstern is unwrapping with such reverence? Pewter figurines. Yeah, it's one of THOSE kinds of books, where D&D is a tabletop wargame (this was written back in the Chainmail days, so it IS a wargame) even in the context of the book. Say what you will about R.A. Salvatore--and I have--but he never pulled this shit. This didn't work for the cartoon and it doesn't work here; all it does is pull me out of the story. Norton makes a point of thanking the book's publisher Donald A. Wollheim, "an authority and collector of military miniatures, whose special interest was so valuable for my research". Say, Andre, if you ever want to write a book about copyright infringement, Wollheim's something of an expert in that, too.

I'd also be remiss not to mention this picture of...whatever the hell this is a picture of.

A...morbidly obese lizardman on a horse? I have a feeling that's EXACTLY what it is. The back cover mentions a lizardman character...yeah, I'm calling it.

More on the way soon...

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I should do those Baldur's Gate books, actually

So I dropped by an antique store today (same one I got the 2e DMG from, go figure) and came home with this:



And what, pray tell, am I holding in this excessively-blurry photo? Why, it's none other than the very first Dungeons & Dragons novel! The latest addition to my collection! And what am I going to do with it? Why, the same thing I've been doing with the rest of my collection: read it!

And so I undertake a special project of sorts. This is NOT the special project I've been hinting at for a while--I WILL get to that, it's even the same basic idea as this, but that book is just so horrid and so LONG I just can't seem to get motivated on it. That it's going to take a long-ass time isn't helping either.

Not that I'm expecting any value of quality from this book, either--if anything, this'll be a warmup for the REAL shit. Because, Dungeons & Dragons? Great game, SHIT novels. Yes, that includes the Dragonlance books. No, YOU'RE a faggot. Not only that, but it's written by Andre Norton. I haven't read any of her stuff, but DAMN is there a lot of it. You could run an entire corner bookshop on her oeuvre. Forgive me for jumping to conclusions, but it's my experience that NOBODY with that kind of output is any good. And she wrote the book Beastmaster was based on. Make of that what you will.

This, then, is my mission and intent--read the book and post a blog entry, with requisite snark (or without if, wonder of wonders, the book is actually good), for each chapter. Call it a Let's Read. I'll still try to throw in posts on other stuff as I do this, just for variety's sake.

Wish me luck! It can't be as bad as the Baldur's Gate novelizations, right? RIGHT?!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Rejoice!

The airwaves are--temporarily, at least--one fat, jowly racist poorer!

I doubt it'll last. I'm sure sooner or later he'll pop up on Fox News like all the other reactionary shitheads the REAL news channels didn't want.

But until then, Senor Dobbs, consider yourself PLAYED THE FUCK OFF.


Saturday, November 7, 2009

Friday, November 6, 2009

Coulda been worse. Coulda been Nightwish.

Hey! It's Friday! Know what time it is? Besides "time to take that dead hooker out to the curb so the garbage men don't miss her", that is.

It's time to snark on another shitty music video YAAAAAAAY!

This one requires a bit of explanation. You see, a certain trend--some might say a plague--has befallen heavy metal as of late; that is the trend of chick-metal. Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of--well, a few good metal bands with female singers. Arch Enemy, for example. What I speak of is pretty much its own subgenre at this point. Basically, you take a reasonably attractive, usually opera-trained young lady with large gazoombas (that last bit is utterly indispensable), stick her in front of a usually all-male ostensible metal band (talent optional--no one will be paying attention to them), and have them play some bland forgettable riff while she wheezes in an Protooled-to-perfection voice about some twee shit that wouldn't sound out of place on fucking American Idol. Bonus points if she marries/gets knocked up by one of her bandmates. Oh, and keyboards. Lots and lots of keyboards. I know this doesn't sound like winning material, but trust me, stick to the formula and Nuclear Blast and Century Media will come beating down your door!

Oh yeah. It's bad. Maybe not Attack Attack bad, but bad nonetheless. The fad seems to be dying down now, no thanks to the pandering of certain segments of the metal-oriented press. But there's still enough life in it to give us hilarious crap like today's video.

Submitted for your disapproval: Leaves Eyes, the only band that can make Vikings look like fucking pussies.




0:01--YARNMAIL ALERT!!!

0:05--So far, pretty metal. Helps there's no actual music yet.

0:09--And the first thing you hear is a mellow keyboard intro. METAL!!!

0:13--Here's the front-floozy herself. Turn-ons include sentimental ballads about FUCKING VIKINGS and sounding like a total fucktard on the Deciblog.

0:14--Ugh. See what I mean about Pro Tools?

0:16--"Shut up bitch, I'm trying to kill Romans!"

0:25--"I want you to have this. It's my silver medal in ski-jumping from Nagano."

0:36--"Girl's Night Out! Let's eat ice cream and read Shayla Black's Decadent!"

0:39--Holy crap. Is that an actual riff? Has...has this band actually started trying? Minus 50 points! Nuclear Blast drops you!

0:48--Damn. Strip out the keyboard and this would actually border on good.

0:56--Female bassist! Hotter than the singer, even! Do I add or subtract points for that?

I've heard a few Leaves Eyes songs, and this is by FAR the best one. Muse on that, why don't you--this song is the good one.

1:00--But it's not to last. *sigh* Yeah, a buncha guys are about to earn their place in Valhalla and fight alongside the Aesir during Ragnarok--but let's hear all about your problems!

1:01--Weeeeell, okay. But only 'cuz you let me look down your cleavage. But start wittering on about your destiny again and I'd better at least see some ankle!

1:06--See that guy? He's the singer's husband. He used to be the lead singer. The band used to be called Atrocity and they used to play pretty decent death metal. I'm not making any of this up. Sad, ain't it?

1:08--Man, Xerxes fell on hard times...

1:12--Where are they plugged in, anyway?

1:13--ANOTHER cleavage shot? Okay, they're doing this on purpose. Some label rep was whispering in the director's ear "Keep shooting her chesticles and we can get on whatever's left of Headbanger's Ball!"

1:18--"Tonight...we dine...awww, c'mon guys! I rehearsed that line for like a week!"

1:23--"Okay, I'm the defender so I'll go first. The striker's moving around into flank, right?"

1:24--"Aw, fuck it! Damn thing was only protecting my tender flesh from sword thrusts anyway!"

1:27--I can't decide if she's hot or creepy. I'm leaning towards creepy.

1:31--Yup, creepy.

1:37--Errrrm...does anybody have a paper bag?

1:38--NOES! Ahhh, I'm sure it won't be important later.

1:41--"YEAH!!! Take THAT, you stinking Geat or Finn or whatever the hell you're supposed to be!"

1:43--Oh, come on! Don't dignify this with headbanging!

1:45--"I JUST MADE PARAGON PATH!!!"

1:49--You know what she looks like? It looks like she's had some Countess Bathory-like deal going on for the last 400 years or so, she's been falling behind on the virgin-blood payments lately and Makeup is trying like hell to cover it up.

1:51--Well, at least the drummer's enjoying himself. Hey, long as he gets to bang on stuff he's happy!

1:54--Nope, DEFINITELY not gonna be important later. Chekhov? Who's that?

1:55--Laugh if you will, but that huge butter knife has gotten this dude out of some serious scrapes.

1:56--glu-HOY--what was I talking about?

2:02--Uh, dude, I know I made fun of your wife's singing earlier, but at least SHE didn't sound like she was in mid-difficult shit. Stick to death grunts. IF YOU STILL REMEMBER HOW, TRAITOR.

2:08--Okay, maybe not hotter than the singer. But still less creepy.

2:12--"Our friend in the middle here lost all her pigmentation. Did you find any while you were fighting the Gauls or whoever?"

2:14--"Yeah, I took a level in Monk. Here's your medal back, by the way. You got ROBBED at Nagano."

2:16--"Make fun of my samurai armor, will you? 300 references are SO 2007!"

2:19--"Oh Heimdall, I DID get robbed! Fucking Russian judge!"

2:23--HAAAAAWWWWRK*ptui* "Sorry for your loss."

2:35--Gods, her chin looks like it's about to split open...

2:39--Wizard's sleeves? Are you trying to tell us something? Sorry, I'm on like my third beer...

2:40--Oh, shut up.

2:45--Hey HEY! No praying to the accursed Nazarene!

2:48--"I told you not to climb it, you stupid...mother...FUCKING...PIECE OF SHIT!!!"

2:52--Stickly, even SHE'S bored now.

2:56--SYMBOLISM!!!!OMGWTFGENIUS!!! (note: I actually liked Equilibrium. I just wanted to show where I stole the joke from.)

3:00--"This...is...SCANDINAVIA!!!" "Bjorn, for Odin's sake, cut it out already."

3:09--"Well, now I feel silly. Did I overdress?"

3:10--Remember kids, never do today what you can put off till tomorrow!

3:15--DO NOT WANT


3:19--And the final results are:

0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.5

There you have it, folks--once again, Norway is out of the high-dive medal contention. When will they learn the judges aren't impressed by the belly flop?

3:31--TWO Big Nos? Really, Leaves Eyes?

3:34--Dammit, stop looking up at the camera!

3:40--"Oh well, I wasn't cut out for the whole settling-down thing anyway! That's just an express ticket to Helheim!"

3:45--Ooh! Stab in the armpit! Gets 'em every time!

3:53--ACK! Don't show so many teeth when you smile! You're worse than that chick from the Attack Attack video!

3:55--Suck it, Xerxes! Maybe if your DEX had been higher than your STR that monk level actually would've helped!

3:56--"BOOYAH! I'm ready for Manowar videos now!"

4:00--Lady, light is not your friend.

4:03--Oh, she brought attention back to the boobelage. All is forgiven.

4:10--"Long-term relationships is dildos! Wheres is the G-MILFs?"

Leaves Eyes is Norweigan-German. Norway, of course, gave us black metal, and Germany gave us such fine bands as Kreator and Helloween. Let this be a lesson to you all: pedigree does not denote quality. Sure, their bassist is bangable and the singer's hot from the neck down (and from the neck up she looks like old pictures of my fraternal grandmother, maybe that's the mental block), but this isn't the 80s! Metal isn't all about looks anymore! Metal is supposed to be where the ugliest men on earth can achieve musical stardom! This isn't FOR you, bitch! And the English used to pray to their false God for protection against the Vikings--jeez, show some respect! God Dethroned has a chick in it and they don't totally suck! What is wrong with you?

Sorry. I'm pretty drunk at this point so I'd better just wrap this up. Bottom line, chick-metal sucks, Norway and Germany aren't to blame for that, go buy the new Immortal album.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Firefox thinks "THAC0" is a word

Considering how much 2nd ed. stuff I've been collecting lately, it's probably best I do the actual ruleset next.



It took me a while to find a 2e Player's Handbook, but this one was worth the wait--it's in fantastic condition. Thanks are due to L'Anne Thompson (the name written on the inside cover) for taking such good care of it. The Dungeon Master's Guide is kind of worn out, but still pretty well off considering I picked it up in an antique store for six bucks. Not only that, but I suspect the original owner was just a kid. Why do I think this?



Call it a hunch.

This is it. The big one. For better or worse, this is the edition that defined D&D through the latter TSR period. This is the edition that brought us all the classic campaign settings we now think of when we think Dungeons & Dragons. And not incidentally, this is the edition that brought us THAC0.

But I'll get to that later. First, I want to talk about these books' design. The layout is pretty uninspiring, reminding me of nothing so much of those elementary-school textbooks dating back to the 70s-80s; I went to public school, so believe me, I KNOW my outdated textbooks. It's all black and white and blue--it almost looks like it came out of a mimeograph in places. The text is VERY small and is arranged in columns. For a game people supposedly play for fun, these books are surprisingly sober and businesslike (which you could also say about the actual rules, but again, more on that in a bit).

But that pales in comparison to the artwork, which is for the most part horrid. Some pieces look like the artist is trying to harken back to old medieval woodcuts, but just look unappealingly flat and cartoony. Others are more realistic, but those are even worse--they look like somebody dressed a bunch of models like LARPers and slapped Photoshop filters over the resulting photos. Or they would if they had Photoshop back then. You know what I mean. In fact, there's only one picture in these things I really, truly liked:



DAMN! Let this be a lesson to you: Fucketh not with dwarves!

Incidentally, do you know what the page this picture appears on is about? Calculating THAC0. Not morale checks, not crazy dwarves, but calculating THAC0. Like many of the other illustrations in these books, this picture has nothing whatsoever to do with anything in its page's text. It's pretty damn weird to be staring at a picture of Vikings storming a ruined castle while the text witters on about Intelligence scores.

Which brings me to the real point and purpose of these books: the ruleset. I know I make fun of THAC0 a lot on this blog. But, truth be told, THAC0 is probably the least problematic element of this edition. Oh sure, it's still needlessly elaborate and a pretty terrible way of handling armor, but at least it's coherently defined and fairly easy to get the hang of. I can't say that about a lot of the other rules.

Like the rest of combat for instance. I have no idea how combat is supposed to work. None. I've reread that section several times and each time my eyes just glaze the fuck over. The PHB suggests several different ways of handling initiative and I don't understand any of them. Maybe it's just a matter of actually trying it out and then it just falls into place, but that just seems like the alpha and omega of forlorn hopes. And the saving throws...GAH! You have to roll under a certain number to save, but bonuses are still called pluses and penalties are still called minuses, and a plus makes your roll lower...just...just...GAH!

2nd edition has an annoying habit of being vague about things that matter and overcomplicating things that don't. Like weapons--they cram the weapons list full of stats (like speed factor) and then claim they're optional (more on that in a bit), but then spend an entire page describing various polearms in exhaustive detail. Apart from getting the phrase "Lucerne hammer" stuck in my head, exactly what the fuck is the purpose of this? Why don't all the listed weapons get that treatment? What if I'm curious about the difference between a longsword and a broadsword, huh?

I mentioned an optional rule before--let me tell you, half these damn books are optional, and what isn't explicitly optional you can often safely ignore or house-rule. Critical hits? Optional. Skill proficiencies? Optional. The DM being allowed to stab a player in the eye with a pencil if he wants to use an arquebus? Optional, but highly encouraged. The DMG even suggests removing class and level limits for nonhuman players, then wails about how then humans won't be teh speshul no more. Again, I hear a lot of games did, in fact, ignore that particular bit of nonsense and wound up with ludicrously overpowered parties as a result. It's like TSR's giving a ten-year-old a cool new toy to play with, then slaps it out of his hands every ten minutes and bitches about how he should be content with that old copy of Mystery Date moldering away under the bed.

Oh, but I haven't even gotten to what I consider the worst part: the endless busywork. I mentioned strongholds in my Blue Box review, and how I didn't really see the point and thought it changed the focus of the game too much--well, it's even more annoying in 2nd edition Advanced. 2nd Edition has pretensions of realism, but is it realistic for small armies of bears to start following your ranger around once you cross some arbitrary level line? I play Dungeons & Dragons to--guess what--loot dungeons and kill dragons; if I want realism I'll play GURPS or some shit. Do I really need to give away chunks of my loot to a small army of hangers-on who won't even let me cast detect evil on them to make sure they're not double agents (as the books suggest is possible)? Maybe it's best I keep them around, since monster descriptions routinely suggest they travel in groups of hundreds at a time. How the fuck did battles get resolved in less than a week?

And what the fuck is with the magic system? I don't mean the Vancian fire-and-forget stuff--that part I love--I mean how it seems determined to fuck over the user as much as it does the target. The rapid aging, the system shock, the resurrection survivals...yeesh. And don't you DARE say game balance to me! That can be addressed with ability score requirements and expensive material components...in fact, it IS!

Am...am I just spoiled here? Am I so used to 4th edition holding my hand I'm reading in hassles that simply aren't there? That has to be it. People did play this thing for eleven years, after all--some even still swear by it. All that bile against 4th edition has to be coming from somewhere, right?

So, would I play AD&D 2nd edition?

I...guess? I'll try anything once and all that. If nothing else, it was home to all the classic campaign settings (Dark Sun, Planescape, etc.)--if I ever do play this thing I'll have to insist it's with one of those. And there's something to be said for a ruleset that's somewhat impregnable; it feels more like an exclusive club--ooh! Maybe even a secret society! Oh, I don't understand football? Well, YOU don't understand Bend Bars/Lift Gates!

Still, though--Darin Smith, if you want your DMG back, you can have it. For seven dollars.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Finally getting rid of these crabs!

I had planned to spend this post talking about my special project: what it is, my plans, what it means for this site.

But you know what? Fuck that. It'll keep until next week. Something else has come up--something with roots in this blog's short history.

Attack Attack's frontman has quit.

Without a doubt it was my vicious yet richly-deserved denunciation of his life's work what drove him to flee the musical C-list in tears. Like critical tinnitus, my words reverberated through his head until finally he could no longer bear the shame of shrieking in service of what is basically that band from the opening of Brutal Legend.

But you know, I have difficulty believing he'll disappear from public view. Not because he's a promising talent with a long career ahead of him, but because he's so fat.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Sometimes good things come out of my ass

I'm gonna click "Random Page" on Wikipedia 50 times and write the second sentence of every page!

Its seat is the village of Ruja, which lies approximately 18 kilometres (11 mi) east of Legnica, and 45 kilometres (28 mi) west of the regional capital WrocÅ‚aw. The population was 10,599 at the 2000 census. This organization offers six potential programs to the student, five at the High School level and one at the adult education level. Established in 1997, ANTHC is owned and managed by Alaska Native tribal governments and their regional health organizations. Headed by Colonel Marmaduque Grove, left-wing militaries deposed in the 1925 coup the September Junta, and handed the power to General Pedro Dartnell as interim president, hoping to recall from exile Arturo Alessandri Palma. Chile was chosen as host by FIFA in June 1956, as the World Cup returned to the continent of South America after 12 years. It orbits the Sun once every 3.65 years. The domain was founded by Maeda Toshiie and headed by the Maeda clan. It is located at the former NMBS station. It lies approximately 5 kilometres (3 mi) north-east of Charsznica, 10 km (6 mi) north-west of Miechów, and 42 km (26 mi) north of the regional capital Kraków. Designed in the Spanish Colonial Revival architectural style, it is an especially fine and intact example of the 'atmospheric' type movie theater developed in the 1920’s.

In Rataj's taxonomy, E. trialatus is in Section Paniculati, Subgenus Echinodorus. It lies approximately 10 kilometres (6 mi) north-east of Mosina and 10 km (6 mi) south of the regional capital Poznań. A priest who later became a bishop, Norbert Provencher, ordered its construction in 1818 in the form of a small log chapel. It is a small Turkish town and growing holiday destination, with the town being pleasantly developed with a range of tourist amenities. Flower is also a director of 2change Ltd, a management advisory business. In 1940, Barcza took third place, behind Max Euwe, and Milan Vidmar, at Maróczy Jubiläum in Budapest. Collier Read Granberry was born in 1899 in Austin, Texas where he spent the majority of his life as a teacher and civil servant. Covering the first five years of her career, 1971 to 1975, the compilation includes six top ten hit singles, two minor hits ("Legend In Your Own Time", "Attitude Dancing") and two album cuts that were never released as singles ("Night Owl", "We Have No Secrets"). He was a cabinetmaker with a particular expertise in the art of marquetry. He later sat as MP for Westminster.

Williams was owner of Wedell-Williams Air Service Corporation, "one of the most noted race plane designers of its day". In 1997 Jonas Winge Leisner replaced Niels H.P. as the primary vocalist. It became one of the most popular Czechoslovak bands during the 1980s. Relevant oxidation states are Sb(V) and Sb(III). It can be used as an antihypertensive drug during surgery or to control hypertensive crises. She was named in honor of her late aunt Annia Cornificia Faustina. Born Anthony Roger Tonge in Birmingham, he was working as an £8-a-week post office clerk and performing in amateur dramatics in the evenings when he landed the role of Sandy Richardson, the motel owner's son in the ITV soap opera, Crossroads, a role he would play for 17 years. There are two Boy Scout camps: Rodney Scout Reservation, also known as Camp Rodney or RSR, located in North East, Maryland, and Henson Scout Reservation, also known as Camp Nanticoke or HSR, near Galestown, Maryland. DGCA is also a compressed archive format, the next generation of 'GCA'. The book tells the story of Kirk Winfield, his marriage to Ruth, and their child called Bill.

He was born in Oslo. It is part of the Chaudi̬re-Appalaches region and the population is 2,357 as of 2009. It is endemic to Kenya. It is a personality trait marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations. Singles that were taken of this album were Eve Of Destruction and October Grey (AUS#55-May 98). In Switzerland, it is the only institute of hospitality management of HES ("Haute Ecole Sp̬cialis̬e", or University of Applied Sciences) level offering advanced programmes which are recognized by the Swiss government. A former President of CAPO - Capital Arts Patrons Organization (1999 Р2002), he now concentrates on Event Production for the Government and Corporate sector and is also actively involved in the development of strategies and resources to promote Canberra as a conference destination for national and international delegates. The song reached #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 and claimed the number one spot on the Billboard Top Rock Tracks chart for two weeks in 1985. It was located 1 mile (1.6 km) north of Volcano. She rose to fame in 2005 with her role in the Egyptian movie Wija as the femme fatale.

The 52nd Illinois Infantry was organized at Geneva, Illinois and mustered into Federal service on November 19, 1861. Bolaji is a novelist, short story writer, playwright, poet, literary critic, biographer, editor and journalist. The larvae are predators of other mosquito larvae. He has played 27 international matches for the Swedish national team, and was a squad player for the Euro 2000 and Euro 2004. Before directing Six Feet Under, many of the following directors have roots that can be traced to independent films. On 8 October 1970, during the October Crisis, it was broadcast by CBC/Radio-Canada television as one of many demands required for the release of kidnapped British Trade Commissioner James Cross. The event is held annually in Paget, Bermuda since 1999 and takes part on the challenger series of the ATP Tour. He is the son of 1992 Formula One world champion, Nigel Mansell, and elder brother of fellow racing driver Greg Mansell. The butterfly was earlier known as Lycaenopsis akasa. It is located between Maluri, Cheras and Pandan Indah, Selangor.

Well...I wound up clicking it a few more than 50 times, actually. Some of those pages either didn't have proper sentences at all or only had one.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Writing endings is hard

Haven't done one of these in a while! What better way to revisit the feature than with the weirdest goddamn thing in my collection so far?

I give you Module SJQ1: Spelljammer--Heart of the Enemy.



The module's in pretty good condition, but still a little banged up, probably due to idiots (and, er, me) taking it out of the plastic bag and reading it. I am, of course, storing it in the bag. No, it's not really this orange--I took this picture at work.



The enclosed map's in near-perfect condition. It details the general layout of and various locales in this weird-ass solar system. But more on that in a bit.

I haven't hunted down a Spelljammer boxset yet, but I already know more than a bit about the basic setting and concept. I mean, this is literally Dungeons & Dragons in space--how could I NOT hunt down every scrap of info I could?

So I already knew this setting was a little bizarre, but it wasn't until I read Heart of the Enemy that I realized just how bizarre. This thing has a solar-system-sized ecosystem, a pyramid-shaped star with pegasi living on the inside, planets flattening out like pizza dough because their sun turned green, a comet shaped like an old man's head that carries things around in its mouth, a wizard who thinks sleight-of-hand tricks are more interesting than real magic...it just never lets up. When talking constellations are the least weird thing in a module, I know I have a winner on my hands.

What, then, is the point of all this oddity? Well, the setting's space-elves (who are as per D&D tradition snobby and condescending, but still somewhat less dickish than elves in other settings) get word that this weird-ass solar system, Darkspace, is home to the control unit of a witchlight marauder (a planet-destroying organic superweapon). They hire the adventurers to travel to Darkspace, find the control unit, and then acquire the marauder before the space-orcs, or "scro" (you see what they did there, they...never mind. I don't understand why the space-elves aren't called "sevle") get ahold of both. Oh, and while you're doing that, be a dear and figure out which one of your ship's crew is a scro double agent, will you?

So yes, this is a very busy module. It's also unusual in another way by 2nd Edition standards: it actually seems survivable. It's no walk on Mount Celestia by any means, but it's no Tomb of Horrors either--of course I say this not having actually played the thing, but it appears pretty well balanced for a mid-level party. There are a few TPK moments, but they're not mandatory to complete the adventure and they'll only come up if the PCs actively look for them. In fact, it looks harder to run than play; the module drops only vague ideas as to how to drop enough hints to reveal the traitor's identity, relying heavily on the DM's ability to do so in a manner both fair and challenging.

Would I play this? Hell, you even need to ASK? Anything which breaks away from the standard D&D template of "walk around an old castle's basement killing monsters and looting the place" is going to be right up my alley. It's fun, don't get me wrong, but sometimes variety is good, you know?

I have a recurring problem when it comes to blog posts: I can never think of a way to end them. So let me just close by saying...um...planets will also turn into rhomboids if their sun turns periwinkle. There we go.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Yet another new feature

Here's your weekend music video:


I actually looked up how to spell "fhtagn"

Last Sunday, I attended the H.P. Lovecraft Film Festival & Cthulhucon at the externally fabulous Hollywood Theater.

There was almost no point, really. Not because I didn't have a good time--I did--but because I didn't even need to go in to see the coolest fucking thing I have ever seen in my life. I saw that standing in line outside. Really, it's like if Lemmy walked around outside before the Motorhead concert passing out speed to people in line.

BEHOLD!



IA! IA!!! The guy said his wife knitted this for him. She needs to get a merch booth at next year's festival--she'd make a fucking KILLING. I'd buy one; it's much better than what I wound up with.



You can't really read the text in this picture. Basically it turns out Lovecraft hated Republicans almost as much as he hated black people. Fits the era's Democratic Party like a glove, sorry to say. I do like this, but was pretty slim pickings for shirts--the next-best one had Cthulhu's face forming one of those gay-ass Celtic knots.

I was more interested in a couple other booths; one guy was selling what looked like every Call of Cthulhu RPG supplement ever printed. Really--he had the original-rules stuff, he had the D20 Delta Green stuff, he had everything. Another guy had put special bindings on old anatomy texts so they looked like the Necronomicon. I didn't get anything from either of these booths, sadly--I can't find enough people interested in running a CoC campaign to justify buying any more books, and I just didn't have that kind of money to spend in the latter case.



And here's the last bit--just my pass and this year's program. I liked The Mist, but not enough to stick around for it. Stephen King will do a much better Lovecraft impersonation when he learns his laughable faith in what he pathetically calls "God" will avail him for naught when sunken R'lyeh rises once again CTHULHU FHTAGN! Seriously though, the climax of The Stand? That shit was just fucking embarrassing.

Anyway, on to the movies I did see. I started out with a block of short films, which like all shorts blocks was very hit-or-miss. Only the last one, Forlorn Hope, made any real impression on me.

After that came Night of the Eagle, based on the "classic" novel Conjure Wife by Fritz Leiber. It was decent, if at times hilarious when viewed through 21st-century eyes, and more like a really long episode of The Twilight Zone than an actual movie (which makes sense considering the film's writers, Charles Beaumont and Richard Matheson, both wrote a shitload of Twilight Zone episodes). I liked the movie more than the book, actually (I've always preferred Leiber's proto-D&D-style work), if only because the male protagonist is made more likable. Oh, make no mistake, he's still a prissy condescending sexist who pays the price for his doucheyness, but at least in this version he knows when to throw in the towel on the whole "rational scientific explanation" thing. The ending, however, has been changed and is very, very, VERY abrupt. It's like Beaumont and Matheson couldn't think of an ending, just threw up their hands and said "Oh well, this thing's about at feature length anyhow. DROP THE EAGLE!"

Last, I saw The Colour From The Dark, an Italian adaptation of Lovecraft's story The Colour Out of Space. Basically director Ivan Zuccon took Lovecraft's classic story (considered by the man himself his best), gave it a European exploitation-film sensibility, and made it shit. I really, REALLY hope certain scenes in this movie were supposed to be funny, because they sure as hell were. EVERY DAMN TIME this movie built up anything resembling dread or even basic dramatic tension, along came a line or scene which would just bring down the house in helpless laughter. Many in the standing-room-only audience resorted to open MST3K-style mockery, myself included--much to the displeasure of the two guys sitting in front of me, one of whom subsequently referred to me as "fucker". Fortunately for him I was too busy popping my knees (the screening having taken place in what was apparently the Hollywood's midget theater) to repay his kindness with the reenactment of several Cannibal Corpse lyrics. Whatever, asshole! You saw the same movie I did! And you know damn well it was no silent-film Call of Cthulhu! Prick.

Anyway, I know it sounds like I'm bitching a lot, but overall I enjoyed the festival. I'm planning a return trip next year--hopefully I'll get my very own ski-mask! And if I see another terrible movie, perhaps whoever sits in front of me won't be the director's cousin or something!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I still wasn't paying $45 for a T-shirt, though

What did I do last Saturday? Oh, not much. Just saw FUCKING MOTORHEAD, is all.



And I got pictures. Not good pictures, mind you, but the best I could get from the Roseland's balcony with a cellphone.

The picture above is of the opening act, The Reverend Horton Heat. Who were awesome. Seriously, I'd go out just to see them in concert, they were that good.

There was another opening band too, called Nashville Pussy. MAN did they blow. They were a total throwback, and not the good kind like Motorhead and Horton Heat. The only good part of their set was when the frontman kindly removed his cowboy hat so the assembled throng might point and laugh at his combover skullet, thereby deriving some small amount of pleasure from their otherwise-forgettable set.

This is a pattern I've noticed at every concert I've been to--two opening acts, the first one terrible, the second almost as good as the headliner. It's almost like promoters feel sorry for these first acts.




See, I have no idea what these two are supposed to be pictures of. Some of them I had to delete 'cuz you couldn't even see this much. As always where Motorhead's involved, you just had to be there. Or buy the performance DVD it looked like they were filming that night.




Heh, now this was funny. Motorhead did an acoustic piece by the name of--what else?--"Whorehouse Blues". Have you seen Lemmy play a harmonica? No? Then you, my friend, have not lived.



From the drum solo, I believe. Their drummer is very talented but, like all drum solos, it was way too long and incredibly boring. It wasn't his fault--such is and ever shall be the way of the universe.




More videos of I-don't-know-what-the-fuck.

Before you ask--of COURSE Motorhead played Ace of Spades. It's okay--remember, there are no stupid questions. Except that one. They also played a couple songs from an album they released when I was a year old. That fact stunned me at the time--I felt compelled to yell it out loud. Not that they ignored their more recent albums; they played a couple from their last two as well.

Do you think it's a hassle from bands this old to put setlists together? Motorhead are fairly lucky in this area, I think, because they only really have one must-play song. What must it be like for bands with a dozen hit songs or more? No wonder some concerts go on for 3 hours or more. Still doesn't excuse the ticket prices if you ask me...



And here we have the aftermath. I showed up just early enough that I didn't have much trouble getting in, though the line was already back to Couch St. by then. I'm glad I got there when I did though, because by the time I got to the door the line had completely reformed behind me.

Getting out, though, was a bit more hassle. It literally took like ten minutes of inching towards the stairs and finally out the door--it was worse than when I saw Opeth. Still, it could've been worse--the place could've been on fire.

It's not often I make it out to concerts. When someone I want to see comes through, nine times out of ten I have to work the day they're playing. When I do make it out, though, it's always a memorable time, and this was no exception. I understand why a lot of the guys there were seeing Motorhead for the fourth or fifth time. And DAMN were they loud--good thing I wore earplugs, cuz if I'd been deaf I probably could've heard them through the vibrations in my sternum. And the guy I was sitting in front of flatly refused to wear earplugs. Scary.

Myself, I had a sore throat for two days afterward from screaming my head off between songs. Totally worth it, though. Hell, I would've stage-dived off the balcony if I'd thought anyone would've caught me.

Yes, I have seen Motorhead live. And that is yet another reason why I am cooler than all of you. Combined. Unless, of course, you're a roadie for Motorhead. Or are actually IN Motorhead. Or you're Horton Heat...

But I AM cooler than Nashville Pussy! So there!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Is there ANY problem alcohol can't solve?

Well, um...I've gotten myself into a bit of a situation here.

See, I know I promised two entries a week, and I'm gonna stick to it--I really am. Thing is, I'm in no mood for another D&D review after Tuesday's dreadfully unfunny and angry 3.5 beatdown. I haven't seen any analysis-worthy Youtube videos recently, I don't have the special-project stuff together yet and nothing really earth-shattering's been happening this week. There IS some interesting stuff going on this weekend which will definitely make this blog, but I can't very well write about stuff I haven't done yet, can I?

So, I have no idea what to write for this entry.

Instead, I'm going to try something I've never been much good at--improvisation. I have my web browser up and running and two large bottles of Heineken. Guess I'll just ride this train and see where it takes me....

You know, I just wrote a whole hell of a lot to say "I have no idea what to write". That's a start, I guess.

Watching the new Bad Movie Beatdown video right now. That kid is such a smug know-it-all. No wonder I like him. Even if he hated Equilibrium.

You know, Deadwood is really awesome. I don't know why I never watched it when it was still on--oh yeah, 'cuz I didn't have HBO. That's right. It's gotten to the point where if I watch a Bonanza rerun I expect them to yell "cocksucker" at each other.

Okay, first bottle of Heineken's done. Portland's turned me into a total beer snob but still, I like Heineken. It's pretty much the only wide-release (is that the phrase?) beer I like. I drink PBR too, but that's just 'cuz I'm poor.

My mom thanked me for linking to her site. That bitch better have linked back...

Starting on the other bottle. I thought about pouring it into my Widmer stein but it felt too much like adultery.

Saint's Row 2 is really, really fun. I mean, it's not GTA IV, but it's not the cheap knockoff I was expecting either.

Oh yeah! Feelin' the beer buzz! Maybe I should just get a Twitter account...

I'm approaching that level of inebriation where my good taste starts to evaporate. I could almost listen to Nightwish right now.

I know I've said it before, but Pandora is awesome. And yes, I have played the Seanbaby game. I was not ready. And what, exactly, is "excessive vamping"? 'Cuz Pandora seems to think an awful lot of bands have it.

The Song of Ice and Fire TV series is shaping up to be awesome. It starts shooting in a month. I wonder which will come out first--the show or the next book?

I need to find a way to incorporate the phrase "rent butthole" (meaning "rent" in the context of "torn") into everyday conversation. Since this is me we're talking about, I'm sure I'll find a way.

Just finished the second bottle. WHEEEEE!!! I know enough not to go out and buy a third. One more and I'll just wind up feeling like shit.

Making dinner now. Chicken and green beans. Same thing I have every night on alternating weeks. The other weeks I have chicken salad wraps. Yum.

"scooters, vacation, fall"? What odd choices for example posts.

Somehow I'm still not too drunk to proofread this thing as I go along.

You know what I haven't had in a long time? Tater gems. I'm aware most people call them 'tater tots', but those people are wrong. And probably rapists.

Max Baucus is a total douchelord. It needed to be said.

I finished reading the AD&D 2nd Edition Player's Handbook today. Yes, that'll be on the site soon. Just as soon as I finish reading the Dungeon Master's Guide--I'm planning on giving my thoughts on 2nd edition in general. SO JUST BE PATIENT YOU BASTARDS

Just finished dinner. Damn, I likes me some canned green beans. In fact, I like them more than fresh green beans.

And with that, it's time to call this one good. Thanks for your patience--next week's will be MUCH more interesting!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

And I didn't even get into grappling

Well, shit. Here goes.



Here it is--the very first Dungeons & Dragons book I ever bought. In pretty good shape at first appearances, until you take a look at the spine:



I have a rough idea when and where this happened, but I'm still not sure how. I believe I stepped on it wrong, but I'm not sure if it was me or one of the other psychos in my original group.

So. 3.5 edition D&D. What can be said about it that hasn't already been said about doing your own remodeling? It seems enriching and fulfilling at first, until about a quarter of the way through when your kitchen is in ruins, you can't figure out how to install the new sink without dropping it on your foot and you're buying the cheapest grout just to stay in the black. There's a reason I cringe every time a 4th edition books recycles 3.5 artwork.

This book's in the collection more as a courtesy than anything else--I sold off all my other few remaining 3.5 books not too long ago and I wasn't sure Powell's would take this one, what with the damaged spine. That and this edition DOES cast a pretty long shadow in my gaming history and I'd be remiss to ignore it.

This is the edition which introduced me to D&D, sorry to say. No, I can't claim any sort of long-term investment in tabletop gaming. Basically I started to get tired of video games, heard the new edition of D&D was pretty simple to learn and thought I'd give it a shot.

And it IS simple...up to a point. For very low-level campaigns (up to about level 5), 3.5 is damn-near perfect. So long as one sticks to the basics of "move from point A to point B, check for traps along the way, swing sword at monster, repeat", you'll get along fine. It's when you try anything more complicated (and trust me, you will) that it all starts to fall apart.

You see, Wizards of the Coast wanted an edition to lure in newbies, and in many ways they got one. This edition FINALLY sets "rolling high is good" in stone--no THAC0 to mess around with, no having to do algebra just to see if an attack connected. However, they wanted to keep the veteran players interested too, and for this reason they didn't seem quite willing to just toss a lit match on AD&D and start over at this point. So a lot of elements of AD&D got carried over into 3.5. Which is a fine idea in and of itself--you don't just eject that kind of pedigree without good reason, right? Unfortunately, nearly all the stuff that got held over were the elements of AD&D people found most annoying.

The end result? 3.5 does away with class limitations for nonhuman characters, but keeps ability score penalties. It keeps the Vancian magic system, but low-level wizards are still useless after one fight. It makes high dice rolls the law of the land, but keeps the no-save insta-kill effects. 3.5 still asks you to accept that your character invested the years of time needed to learn how to use a sword or bow, but somehow never learned how to throw a punch. And clerics are still the one class nobody wants to play but you can't leave the inn without. It keeps the nine-tier alignment system, even though people only knew how to roleplay about three of them. And the level drains. Dear god, the level drains.

And believe me, a LOT of monsters used level/ability-draining attacks. So many, in fact, that I was sometimes left wondering why this game even bothered using a hit point system. Worse yet, nearly all of them were touch attacks--i.e. the monster only had to lay a hand/feeler/whatever on you. So you either wound up spending a lot of time fussing over getting your Touch AC as high as possible, or suffered the indignity of your full-plate-wearing fighter keeling over because some ghost poked him.

In fact, "getting things as high as possible" sums up 3.5 pretty well. Powergaming is annoying in most rulesets--here, it's a coping mechanism. Back when I played 3.5 I despised munchkins in principle, yet thought nothing of taking the Endurance feat and getting mithril full-plate so I could sleep in my armor. I know, I know--it's just that 3.5 spent so much damn time trying to get you killed that wise players spent a lot of time and GP preparing for contingencies like that. Or just getting tired of them and set about breaking the game so as not to deal with them at all, as in the case of the inestimable Pun-Pun. Myself, I figured out how Two-Weapon Fighting went from "too much penalty hassle" to "unstoppable steel whirlwind" if you took the right feats.

Usually I end these reviews of old D&D stuff by saying how, given the opportunity, I'd be glad to give playing them a try. But in this case...no! I've been there! It's the spawn of hell and I'll never, ever play it again (Neverwinter Nights 2 doesn't count, right?)! I don't miss having rules for everything and everything, and all those rules having exceptions! I don't miss having to carry around three swords--each a different kind of metal--AND a mace, just to deal with damage resistances! I don't miss buying every new supplement because I think I need them to stay competitive, only to find out all the new prestige classes are rubbish (okay, this one's mostly my fault, but still...)! I don't miss having to recalculate my HP because I took CON damage! I don't miss having to deal with level adjustments just because I wanted to play something with scales! I don't miss buying the latest issue of Dragon and seeing stats for something from a PS2 game! I don't miss spending more time in combat arguing than actually fighting, because...er, because that one still happens actually.

But still! I think all these people who bitch about 4th edition should go back and give 3.5 another spin. Maybe THEN they'll remember what a bad ruleset looks like! Maybe THEN they'll learn not to bitch about something just because it's new (though lord knows that's a popular diversion amongst longtime D&D players)! I know, fat chance right? But seriously, most old-timers have a favorite old edition they look back on with nostalgia--does ANYONE do that for 3.5?

Anyway, this has gone on way too long--again. Long post short, 3.5 sucked and you suck for liking it. With this kind of intro, it's a miracle I still play tabletop RPGs at all...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Status of the site

No, I'm not shutting down! Tempting as it is...nobody ever leaves comments anymore *grumble* *grumble*

Quite the opposite, in fact. I've decided on an actual release schedule for new entries, apart from "whenever I feel like it". Yes, C.'s gone and developed hisself an honest doggone work ethic!

From now on, The Inverted Panopticon will update twice a week, barring unusual circumstances. And even that will probably result in a blog post announcing I'll be missing one or both entries that week--that still counts, right?

They'll still be about whatever I want, of course--D&D, crappy Youtube videos, games, etc. I have a few special projects in mind too.

So, that it for now! Watch this space and enjoy!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I was eating Oreos when I wrote this

We've all at one point or another puzzled over the fine print on the backs of our food wrappers. What are these so-called "ingredients"? we've wondered. Where do they come from? Thiamine Mononitrate? How is that a food? And most often we've wondered, just how does my favorite ingredient get out of the animals and into everything we eat? Well, wonder no longer, as The Inverted Panopticon set out to uncover the curious origins of America's favorite food additive. What we found may surprise you!

No matter what certain animal-rights fringe groups may tell you, those of us living on planet Earth know a meal without semen isn't worthy of the name. This wonder ingredient appears in nearly all commercially-available foodstuffs, either as a primary ingredient or a simple additive. Each person has different content preferences (personally, I prefer just enough to catch the taste), but the love for semen is truly--some might say surprisingly--universal.

Ask the average man on the street which variety of semen is best and he/she won't hesitate to say "why, pig semen, of course!" Indeed, pig extract, with its mild aroma and low calorie content, counts for a vast majority (some 43%, by industry reports) of semen sales. However, horse extract is a close contender, due to its similar flavor profile and a more economical production process--horses are larger than pigs and thus produce a correspondingly larger payload, necessitating fewer "milkings" per day. Due to these factors, horse extract is commonly found in more "downmarket" food products, as well as in products marketed to members of religious groups with dietary restrictions prohibiting the consumption of pork products. Bull extract is also commercially available, but seldom used due to its overpowering flavor and watery consistency. Extract from other animals tends not to be commercially produced, as they are nearly all considered "acquired tastes"--these are usually found only in specialty gourmet food outlets.

Of course, as with any food item, any semen product is only as good as its production quality standards. Recent years have seen legal restrictions on what extraction machinery may be used, as well as on frequency of extractions. Too many stimulations in a single day tends to place animals in significant physical distress, to say nothing of the drop in product quality (to quote an industry maxim, "once it turns pink, you know it'll stink"). Present-day extraction machinery is also designed to minimize discomfort, with an eye to preventing abrasion in particular. The previous industry standard, the Jizvac 3500, is regrettably still in use in certain Third World nations, despite its unfortunate tendency of "degloving" subjects' genitalia.

The best extracts, of course, originate from the Republic of Seychelles. There pigs of strictly the finest pedigree, fed on a luxurious diet of grain and filtered water, are "milked" by highly-trained extraction specialists bare-handed (they believe latex gloves ruin the aroma). Each pampered pig is extracted but once a week. The resulting extract--popularly, if crudely, known as "the Kobe beef of baby batter"--is used in the most exclusive fine-dining establishments, and has been known to fetch upwards of $1,000 per cubic centimeter on particularly fine seasons.

It is, of course, whispered in certain circles that pig extract is but diluted trash for the masses. Such individuals assert that, instead, human extract is the best. As I have not sampled it for myself I cannot comment as to the veracity of this. However, there is no disputing that obtaining human extract is at best a difficult, expensive chore and at worst a legal impossibility. The legal requirements and restrictions are naturally higher for human extraction, and wide-ranging social and religious taboos have led to often-effective campaigns against its sale. Many states and nations have banned its sale outright, and many of the others have attempted to stamp out the market with high taxes and production limits--to the dismay of many social libertarians, who loudly question why they can deposit their product into their significant others for free but cannot charge money for the "privilege".

In recent years, many black-to-gray market Third World imports have become commercially available, some of them even inexpensively so. However, these cannot be recommended under any circumstances. Assuming these products consist of seminal extract at all (popular substitutes include evaporated milk, epsom salt, and other less wholesome substances), most have not been thoroughly screened for disease and other contaminants. Additionally, many are produced in sweatshop-like conditions from somewhat less than willing subjects. And the less said about extracts originating from Southeast Asia, the better.

So as you can see, the world of semen extract is far more intriguing and complex than most consumers realize. Next time you sit staring idly staring at the ingredient label of your cream-of-mushroom soup, you'll know exactly how that all that creamy goodness made its way from testicles to tummy. Bon appetit!

Next week--Pus: Diseased or Delicious?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I just blue myself

We've already talked about the Red Box, the introductory set to D&D Basic Rules. That was meant to introduce new players and DMs to the game and get them familiar with the basics. It was a good set, which I found achieved what it set out to do.

However, that boxset only supported campaigns up to level 3. After that, you were introduced to perhaps the most important (for the publishers, at least) element of tabletop RPGs: constantly shelling out for new supplements.

Hence, the Blue Box.



Officially known as Set 2--Expert Rules, this boxset covers play through level 14. At which point--guess what?--you had to buy another boxset if you wanted to keep playing, assuming you didn't just switch to AD&D and buy those books instead.

Unlike my copy of the Red Box, my Blue Box was in VERY good condition. It was in its original shape and none of the edges were ripped. Like my Red Box, this copy was missing only the dice and *sigh* the fucking crayon. Was this a popular thing back in the early 80s? Because so was hair metal, and that's nothing to be proud of either.



The rulebook is also in exceptional condition--almost new, in fact. I probably could throw this one against the wall, not that I would; I have a little more respect for my collection than that. Not a whole lot, mind you, but some.



The boxset also includes Module X1, The Isle of Dread. This one's in somewhat worse shape--most notably the interior booklet and cover are no longer stapled together. But what's really interesting is the back cover:



The edition's first chainmail bikini! Funny, I don't recall seeing Go-Go Dancer on the list of available character classes. Must be in a supplement.

The box also included a couple of mail-in forms to join the RPGA. They're in decent shape--I didn't get pictures of those because, you know, who gives a fuck?

To be honest, this one isn't nearly so entertaining a read as the Red Box. The rulebook assumes you know what they're talking about at this point and consequently becomes very dry. The book introduces plenty of higher-level spells and monsters--most of the latter manage not to embarrass themselves, apart from the devil swine (a malevolent, mind-controlling, shapeshifting...pig). It also introduces the concept of level caps for nonhuman players, an illogical solution to a problem most players weren't aware existed. I've heard many groups chose to ignore the level-cap rules entirely, which resulted in balance issues (allegedly--some of the caps seem a little low to me, especially the halfling's). Party members are allowed to build a stronghold (castle for fighters and clerics, mage's tower for magic-users, etc.) upon reaching a certain level.

Personally I'd just as soon not bother with this bit, as it effectively turns this into a completely different game. You have to pay construction costs, keep the place maintained, hire and pay a garrison, etc. I play D&D to kill monsters and steal their belongings, damn it--if I wanted to deal with that crap I'd play the Crossroad Keep section of Neverwinter Nights 2 again (which, er, I am at the moment).

The book provides a lot more info on the game world's layout, establishing it more firmly as Mystara. No mention of the Hollow World yet, partly because these sets seem to operate on a need-to-know basis (the Red Box didn't stray much beyond the outskirts of the PCs' hometown), but mostly because that setting hadn't been developed yet. Yeah. Don't know why I even brought it up, really.

ANYWAY, there's also a bunch of adventure hooks, ranging from "clear the rats out of an old lady's attic" to "expose a popular local gambler as one of those shapeshifting evil pigs". My favorite, though, would be the one with an evil--sorry, chaotic--cleric raising zombies and using them to operate a local sawmill. Because, frankly, I think sawmills are an underused tableau in Dungeons & Dragons, don't you agree?

As modules go, The Isle of Dread isn't terribly interesting--there's no final goal to be accomplished, no firmly-established reason for the party to be on the island in the first place. It's mainly a collection of possible encounters, more like a miniature campaign setting than anything else. I guess it's all right if your group's into dinosaurs, restless natives, superintelligent giant spiders and flying-squirrel people.

So, would I play D&D Basic with Expert Rules? Eh, I guess so, but I don't see when or why I would. I mean, I'd be dabbling in older editions at most--I have 4th edition if I really want to get serious about D&D. I can't really foresee playing Basic often enough to get past level 3. Again, there's nothing wrong with this boxset at all (evil pigs aside), I just don't see how it effects me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off in search of the Go-Go Dancer Supplement.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

"Why did I do this, again?"

That was the question running through my head over and over again last Saturday.

Unlike certain assholes I could mention, I elected to spend September 12th riding the MAX Green Line on its inaugural day of service. At no point did I call the train a Nazi or suggest it was from Kenya. Naturally, I wore my best green shirt for the occasion.

I rode one of the new-model trains from Pioneer Square to Clackamas Town Center. I rather like the new trains--they look a lot sleeker, both inside and out, and they lack the new buses' chlorine-and-farts smell.

As you might be able to imagine, the train was fucking RAMMED. Getting a seat was out of the question--I burrowed into a corner and counted myself lucky. Not the most comfortable position, but at least nobody was bumping their crotch into my ass.

Stickly, was it SLOW. It seemed like every single stop had someone in a wheelchair getting on or off. Just getting from Pioneer Square to Gateway seemed to take about 45 minutes, and that was only the halfway point. On top of that, the cacophony of screaming children trilled from every direction. Plus several of the people I was smooshed up against smelled like they hadn't bathed in days or weeks. To say nothing of the individuals who saw fit to talk on their cellphones at the top of their lungs, repeating everything at least twice.

What was odd about all this was how little it bothered me. Not a year ago any one of these circumstances would have driven me to near-homicidal ire, leaving me in a snit for the rest of the day. But instead I was oddly...calm. Goes to show how much I've changed in the past year, I supposit.

The new stops were all right, I guess--modern, but drab. There were some very lovely pieces of artwork at each, which I was in no position to get pictures of. The stops were so segregated I couldn't really see what was at each of them--I would've had to get off and walk around, and by that point I just wanted to get to Town Center and get this over with.

The Town Center stop itself was the flashiest--it stood on an elevated platform looking over the mall area, with a winding ramp, stairs, AND an elevator leading up to it, AND a skybridge linking it to a parking garage. Short of putting up a giant sign reading ESCAPE ROUTE, they couldn't have made it any more clear which way to go if you wanted to get out of Clackamas.

I hadn't been to Town Center since about December 2007, and it hadn't changed much. There were a few new chain restaurants in the parking lot, none of which you couldn't find downtown. The interior of the mall itself was exactly the same. Oh, there were a couple new stores--one of which hadn't been there on my last trip and was already having a going-out-of-business sale--but the basic layout was identical and pretty much everything I remembered was still there.

Not that I spent a lot of time investigating this. I went in, bought something to drink, when suddenly it hit me--"wait a minute, I've voluntarily traveled to Clackamas Town Center! Why have I done this terrible thing?!"

So I got out of the mall and got back to the escape route, fast as my overmuscled legs could carry me. Would you believe there was a line? Yes, the ramp was crammed full of people as desperate to get back to civilization as I. I was certain I'd be waiting half an hour or more just to reach the train platform, but somehow I got on the first available train.

It wasn't nearly as crowded on the way back, somehow--I even got a seat about halfway back to Gateway. It was a lot faster going too--they must have decided the wheelies were slowing them down too much and banned them for the rest of the day. As God intended.

Eventually I got back downtown--or "civilization", as I now thought of it. To cleanse the horrible experience from my palette, I went first to Ground Kontrol for a round or three of Ms. Pac-Man. Then I got propositioned by a hooker and her pimp. (I didn't plan this bit, it just sort of happened.) Then I went to Widmer's Oktoberfest celebration, inexplicably being held in September. THEN I went to another bar and spent the rest of the night describing a web cartoon where a man kills and dismembers his entire family to a pretty girl. By the time I finished that, I barely remembered there WAS a Green Line, let alone that I'd had a shitty time riding it.

So, would I ride Green Line again? Sure, why not? Silly question if you ask me. Sure, the first time out left me thinking I'd rather watch a Tyler Perry movie than do this again, but those were special circumstances. To me, MAX is a tool, nothing more. I have no sentimental attachment to it--it merely gets me from Point A to Point B, and quite efficiently at that. In fact, I rode it again the next day--I was headed towards Gateway and it was the first available train. By then the novelty had worn off and it wasn't any more crowded than any other MAX line. And I'm sure I'll need to get to one of the new stops sooner or later. Maybe even all the way down to Clackamas Town Center again, much as the mere thought makes me shudder...

Monday, September 7, 2009

"Dum-dum-dum-dum-dummmm!"

You know, I've been doing entirely too many posts about old D&D stuff lately. I need to knock it off for a bit before I turn into just another special-interest blog nobody cares about.

So today, I'm going back to the theme of my very first post and (over)analyze another horrifying Youtube video! You may recall my scathing denunciation of Attack Attack!'s execrable-yet-hilarious music video. In all likelihood I'll do another music video someday (NO I WILL NOT DO THAT BROKENCYDE VIDEO YOU FUCKS), but today I'd like to take a slightly different tack and dive into the seedy realm of badly-animated interreligious sniping.

Hence this, which doesn't seem to have a name other than some variation of "Cartoon Banned By The Mormon Church" (supposedly they get it taken down a lot, so let me know if you get a "video unavailable" message):



0:01--"Space. The Final Frontier." Boy, space sure is cottony today...

0:06--I have to hand it to the narrator--his voice IS pretty metal.

0:14--Two blonde people down, 384,495,329 to go.

0:17--Funny how gods always go for the Classical Greek motif. If the Classical Greeks had invented the safety pin, in this case.

0:26--DAMN, Elohim has big ears! Plus his right arm looks like a penis. (must...not...make..."baby's arm" joke...)

0:31--Mmhmm, fascinating, fascinating--wait, human parents WHERE? I'll get back to that.

0:35--HYAIIIIIEEEE!!! HIS GLASSY EYES SEE EVERY COLOR OF FEAR!!! *pant* *pant* Best get used to this. You know, if I was making a cartoon and couldn't draw a non-scary face to save my infant child's life I probably wouldn't zoom in on them so damn much.

0:45--So Elohim aged about 60 years in between dying and getting his own planet with 72 virgins (NO! BAD C.!)? Hey, all the cool gods were doing the bearded-old-man look back then!

0:51--Stickly, Elohim, did they ALL have to be the same model? I mean, I like Nilla Wafers but I throw in the occasional Oreo.

1:00--You don't know what I was thinking when I heard the phrase "endless celestial sex".

1:04--BILLIONS?! Okay, now you REALLY don't want to know what I was thinking.

1:13--Ah, here we see Elohim displaying this short's default facial expression, "eerie boredom".

1:16--Whoa, I didn't know James Hetfield was the devil! That WOULD explain St. Anger...

1:17--Eeeeeeeyeah. Jesus is the single creepiest-looking person in this thing. Somehow I don't think that was what they were aiming for.

1:24--See?! Earth hasn't even been CREATED yet at this point! So where the FUCK were those other humans?! Am I the only one who noticed this?! Hell, I guess it wouldn't be a creation myth if it made sense and was internally consistent.

1:27--Sadly, the last known Genital-Shield Bush died of blight in 1817.

1:38--"Screw you, Dad! The Heidi Montag clones totally dig my neckbeard!"

1:43--See, I don't know that I would've made Jesus look so much like an autistic rapist. Just sayin'.

2:05--"We'll show them! We'll never comb our hair again! BEDHEADZ 4 LYFE, YO!"

2:15--Why do I suddenly want to whistle the Futurama theme?

2:26--Yes. They went there. Sorry.

2:35--Yes, they're still going there. Sorry again. No, I don't know their explanation for Asians. I don't need to know that badly.

I should point out here that I did research this stuff. Most of it checks out, though the Mormon church did eventually retcon the explaining-the-races thing, if only to keep their tax-exempt status. So now they just hate gays. Moving on...

2:37--"White and delightsome"--didn't that used to be Wonder Bread's tagline? Hey, it's better than "We Found A Way To Bake Air".

2:57--Wait, it's a starbase now?

3:04--I like the look on their faces like "*sigh* Okay, let's get this fucking over with."

3:08--Why are all Mormons named Orson?

3:14--Um...do they mean the Mary I THINK they mean?

3:25--Yeah, Dan Brown! Write a crappy novel about THIS, bitch!

3:30--DAMN that wall's high!

3:36--"Gee, it sure was nice of Mr. Kirk to let me beam down first! Why did he want me to wear that red shirt, though? Oh well!"

3:38--This is my favorite bit right here. I love those "Say WHAAAAT?!" expressions.

3:45--"Hee hee hee! I like puppies!"

3:51--"Come on guys, so what if they have bronze armor and shields? We have stone-tipped arrows? How can we lose?"

3:56--"*sigh* Okay guys, tonight we dine in hell and all that. Let's just get this over with."

4:00--"Ha-ha! I bet you were expecting to get stabbed! Well, it's the pommel for you! Ha-ha!"

4:03--"Ha-ha! The bronze armor is like so much papier-mache! Luckily my xiphoid process caught the arrow! Ha-ha!"

4:21--Here we see Captain Murphy from Sealab 2021 hiding his favorite recipe book, The Secret Ingredient Is Love, Damn It!

4:36--And here's old Joey himself. You know, I try not to pick on one religion's specific quirks over another, because to me they're all equally bullshit. I will say, however, that most other religions' messiah figures tend not to have quite so many fraud convictions.

4:39--Hey! That thing's thicker than it was when Captain Murphy first hid it!

4:47--Animators of the world, please stop using rotoscoping. Even when it's not disturbing as hell, it just reminds people of the Ralph Bakshit version of The Lord of the Rings, and you don't want that.

4:50--Why are they all wearing the same outfit? Did they research this thing at a 19th century-themed restaurant?

5:08--Hey, those guys tried to talk to me on the way to work last week! That reminds me, I still need to send one of those guys a letter.

5:17--"Okay, that's Hitler outta the way! Somebody wheel in Stalin!"

5:18--Question: Why the fuck are they doing this at night? They're not gonna dig him up, are they?

5:24--I love the look on this guy's face. "Please don't know about the figging please don't know about the figging please don't know about the figging..."

5:30--And Jesus has a look on his face like "Oh, we know about the figging, Mr. Frantz. How, you may ask? You just told us." DUN-DUN-DUNNNNN!!!

If you saw the movie Religulous, you probably remember this bit...wait, so Joseph Smith got stuck as the afterlife's Paula Abdul? The frakking messiah didn't land his own planet of sex robots?

5:43--"Well, this is peculiar! Sweetie, were we this blonde back when we were alive?"

5:49--So, in the Mormon faith gods are basically Tyranids. Makes sense to me.

5:59--Oh, really? I begin to see why Mr. Big For His Britches didn't land the 72 virg I MEAN BLONDE SEX ROBOTS. Yes. That's what I meant.

This version doesn't have it, obviously, but the original version I saw of this on Youtube followed up the cartoon with a live-action segment. This thing, apparently, is a segment of a longer "documentary" dedicated to debunking Mormonism, made by some fundamentalist Christian group or another. What was funniest about that bit was how the fact that Mormon marriages sometimes end in divorce seemed to anger them more than the whole "God's an alien and Jesus and Satan were brothers" bit.

Well, unlike with the Attack Attack! video, I actually DO know what to say. Most of it, however, would be as angry and incoherent as this video, and nowhere near as entertaining. Try as I might, I just can't seem to make a mandatory sterilization rant funny, not in text form at least.

Besides, Mormons have brought so many good things into this world! Like, say, the Original Battlestar Galactica...wait, no, bad example. Oh! How about Children of the Mind...gack, no, even worse example. Uhh--Oh! Howsabout the Dragonlance novels...No, no, no! Oh, wait, I have one! How could I forget the

(Editor's Note: At this point, C. apparently smashed his monitor screen, intending to slash his wrists with one of the resulting shards of glass--however, because he is, in his own words, "a huge pain-wimp" this resulted only in minor lacerations. He was found shortly afterward applying the resulting blood to his own face--which he later explained to "war paint"--and muttering about dropping various abortifacients into the Great Salt Lake. Attempts to calm C. by explaining that the Great Salt Lake consists of saltwater--hence its name--and is therefore not used as a water supply proved unsuccessful. The Editor treated C.'s injuries and then--at C.'s request--proceeded to "kiss it and make it all better.")