You (insert derogatory noun here)

Damn you, Howard Phillips.

You tricked me.

As a child, reading your hilarious adventures in Video Game Land with a turkey-headed preteen, little did I suspect that one day you would dupe me into giving my barely-earned money to a Mormon of the worst order. A man who believes those who don't share his preference of body orifice eat white babies right out of the cradle.

You see, the Xbox Live game Shadow Complex is based in the setting of the novel Empire, the latest neocon twaddle from formerly respectable science fiction author/homophobic asshole Orson Scott Card. And it's really freaking good. Seriously, it's a Metroidvania game of the best kind. It's everything the critics have been saying about it, and that's a rarity.

And it really fucking hurts to recommend it. Because there's no escaping the fact that some of the $15 you spend on it--and it may not be any vast amount, but still--will go into the coffers of a man who considers the legalization of same-sex marriage grounds for armed rebellion. In fact, Card really, REALLY likes talking about how much he hates gay people. And as we all know, the people who scream loudest about this stuff tend to have the most to hide.

And yet, this is still a really good game.

So take my money, Mr. Card, with my blessing. Take the dollar or whatever you get in royalties from the 1200 points I spent buying Shadow Complex. You'll doubtless need it for legal fees when you inevitably get caught tapping your toes in a Salt Lake City International Airport men's room. But know this:

You still suck. Not just cock, but in general. You hit your literary peak 24 years ago and since then your writing talent's evaporated along with your brains and your empathy. Oh, and you're not just ugly on the inside:





Stickly! You look like one of those Down's Syndrome kids. That'd certainly explain a lot, but every Down's Syndrome kid I ever met was a lot nicer than you. Hey, if you can make fun of others for being born different, I can make fun of YOU for being born Mom-slapping hideous.

And you know what? I hope gay marriage DOES become legal (well, I already did) and you DO try to start another Civil War over it. Because the thought of you being forced to your (no doubt heavily callused) knees and drilled through the back of the head as a traitor verges on boner-inducing to me.

Get fucked. Oh, and good game by the way.

Police Report On Death Of Billy Mays

Subject was found in bedroom of his Tampa, Florida home. The body was laying in bed, nude and arranged in a cross position. Subject's head was at the foot of the bed, possibly implying an "inverted cross". There were no signs of struggle and nothing in the room was disturbed or reported missing. Subject appeared to be in good health apart from an apparent swelling or goiter in his throat; however, the subject's medical records indicated no history of this.

The top half of the mattress was soaked in blood, later determined to be the subject's. Cursory examination of the body revealed that the subject's testicles had been removed. Lab analysis of the wound indicated they had been torn from the body, likely with bare hands--no knife marks were found.

Investigation was continued into the adjoining bathroom. Again, nothing was out of place or reported missing. However, a device--later identified as a Slap Chop brand food chopper--was found in the sink, covered in blood later determined to be the subject's. No fingerprints were found on the device. The device's blades were coated in a reddish-pink "slurry". Tests later revealed this to be the subject's missing organ. The phrase YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS was found written on the bathroom wall in a mixture of blood (the subject's), semen (the subject's) and organ matter (again, the subject's).

Due to the lack of other apparent trauma, investigators on the scene initially believed the cause of death to be shock and loss of blood resulting from the pelvic trauma. However, the true cause of death--as well as the subject's throat swelling--was revealed during autopsy. The coroner found a foreign object in the subject's throat, lodged so deeply it was undetectable via external inspection, even if the subject's mouth were opened. The object--later identified as a Shamwow!(c) brand absorbent towel--was found to have brought about the subject's death through asphyxiation. The object had additionally caused significant trauma to the subject's trachea during insertion. Further tests revealed the object had absorbed ten(10) times its weight of the subject's blood, swelling to considerable size and becoming visible as a "goiter".

At the time of this report's writing, the investigation is ongoing.

Your Shame Shall Be Legendary

To the person or persons who brought an approximately ten-year-old boy to the 5 p.m. showing of Bruno at the Pioneer Square Mall theater in Portland, OR today:

You are terrible, terrible parents.