Postmortem

(Note: In my last entry, I somehow failed to mention that Howard Phillips works for Shadow Complex's developer, the bizarrely-named Chair Entertainment. Had I done so, my brief reference to Howard & Nester would have actually made some contextual sense. TIP regrets the error.)

Well, I finished Shadow Complex this morning. I'm even more convinced now it's a great game--you know why? I got to the end and found myself annoyed to have run out of game. That doesn't often happen--even in the case of, say, Mass Effect I was content to wait 3 years for a sequel.

I wasn't kidding about this being a Metroidvania game. The map screen looks exactly, and I mean EXACTLY, like Super Metroid's (and, for that matter, Symphony of the Night's). All the other elements are there too--the starting with nothing and slowly building into a killing machine, the partially-open world that becomes gradually more accessible as you find more powerups, etc.

Sorry to dickride so much, but I'm just blown away at how much effort they put into this thing. This is, after all, a $15 Live release, and a licensed game at that. They would have been well within their rights to just dash something off and forget about it. The benefits they'll reap for not doing so should (but probably won't) serve as an object lesson to film and TV studios looking to cash in on all this newfangled Atari stuff.

That said, it's hardly perfect. Like I said, it's very short. The writing (by Peter David, as it turns out) is perfectly serviceable and knows when to stay out of the way most of the time, but the twist ending (without giving anything away, not that that's any kind of favor) is, as usual for twist endings, fucking stupid. Honestly Pete, I know you're just a work-for-hire guy but you're usually better than that. Also, if anybody out there didn't see it coming about, oh, a quarter of the way through the game or so, please write in and let me know what it's like to be the single dumbest person on the planet. I'm thinking of doing a series of posts where I interview the world's thickest people, and Sarah Palin and Jeremy Clarkson haven't been returning my calls. And why did the player character have to look so much like the guy from Uncharted? Not only that, they're both voiced by the same guy! It's enough to make me wonder if this was originally an Uncharted project they retooled after the rights fell through or something. If that's the case, it's even more amazing the game turned out as well as it did...

And you know what? I think I am going to read Empire now. Oh, I'm not going to buy it (that's what libraries are for)--that "use it to pay a lawyer when you get arrested for soliciting gay sex" bit only works so many times. I know I shouldn't hatchet my counts before they chicken, but just from reading the Wikipedia entry it looks like I'll find plenty of horrible things to say about it. And if/when I do, it'll all wind up here.

Until then, however, I need to get back to unlocking the "Make 'Em Scream" achievement.

You (insert derogatory noun here)

Damn you, Howard Phillips.

You tricked me.

As a child, reading your hilarious adventures in Video Game Land with a turkey-headed preteen, little did I suspect that one day you would dupe me into giving my barely-earned money to a Mormon of the worst order. A man who believes those who don't share his preference of body orifice eat white babies right out of the cradle.

You see, the Xbox Live game Shadow Complex is based in the setting of the novel Empire, the latest neocon twaddle from formerly respectable science fiction author/homophobic asshole Orson Scott Card. And it's really freaking good. Seriously, it's a Metroidvania game of the best kind. It's everything the critics have been saying about it, and that's a rarity.

And it really fucking hurts to recommend it. Because there's no escaping the fact that some of the $15 you spend on it--and it may not be any vast amount, but still--will go into the coffers of a man who considers the legalization of same-sex marriage grounds for armed rebellion. In fact, Card really, REALLY likes talking about how much he hates gay people. And as we all know, the people who scream loudest about this stuff tend to have the most to hide.

And yet, this is still a really good game.

So take my money, Mr. Card, with my blessing. Take the dollar or whatever you get in royalties from the 1200 points I spent buying Shadow Complex. You'll doubtless need it for legal fees when you inevitably get caught tapping your toes in a Salt Lake City International Airport men's room. But know this:

You still suck. Not just cock, but in general. You hit your literary peak 24 years ago and since then your writing talent's evaporated along with your brains and your empathy. Oh, and you're not just ugly on the inside:





Stickly! You look like one of those Down's Syndrome kids. That'd certainly explain a lot, but every Down's Syndrome kid I ever met was a lot nicer than you. Hey, if you can make fun of others for being born different, I can make fun of YOU for being born Mom-slapping hideous.

And you know what? I hope gay marriage DOES become legal (well, I already did) and you DO try to start another Civil War over it. Because the thought of you being forced to your (no doubt heavily callused) knees and drilled through the back of the head as a traitor verges on boner-inducing to me.

Get fucked. Oh, and good game by the way.