'Cuz this seems to be my favorite feature

Well, it took a little longer than I thought (due mostly to reasons of laziness) here I am, posting again. And what better way to get back in the swing than with yet another hilarious dissection of a crappy music video?

I'm doing something slightly different this time: I'm actually going to do a GOOD song. The video isn't even all that bad, it's just snarkworthy and strange as hell if you don't know where it's coming from. And I DO know.

Today we're covering a song by Finnish band Amorphis, who draw most of their lyrical inspiration from the Finnish national epic, the Kalevala. Originally compiled from a series of loosely-connected folktales by physician Elias Lonnrot in the 19th century, the epic provided the Finnish people with a heretofore-missing sense of national identity, leading them to seek independence from foreign oppression with their army of terrifyingly skilled, invulnerable snipers. No, that picture's not Photoshopped. The really scary part? It was an EXPLODING bullet. Remind me never to pick a fight with a Finnish guy, ever.

Something else you need to know about the Kalevala: it's really, REALLY fucking weird. Seriously, you thought the Egyptian gods marrying their siblings or Zeus turning into various animals to fuck random women was strange? That has NOTHING on stories of people getting turned into swamps or being pregnant for 700 years. You know you grew up in a weird place if a folktale of an immortal prehistoric blacksmith trying to replace his dead wife with a robot (the subject of today's song) is one of the less strange local myths.

Anyway, let's get started on the video proper:



I should begin by pointing out that this video doesn't include the entire song--about the first thirty seconds or so have been chopped off (yes, I own this album--no, I'm not Finnish). You're not missing out or anything, it's just a bit of intro and isn't at all integral to the rest of the song. Don't know why I brought it up, really...

0:03--The fu...this video is blacker than Tyler Perry!

0:05--Oh, wait, there we go. Damn, this opening riff is just so kickass...

0:08--Santa's Ilmarinen's off to have a little chat with his plastic surgeon re: his nosejob. And by "chat" I mean "he's going to dickcrush him with that hammer".

0:09--My, Finland sure is sepia today.

0:13--You know, if I was a talented enough blacksmith to make the FUCKING SKY I probably would've invented the razor at some point. Plus I'd probably wear a shirt. 'Cuz I've heard it's cold over there. Just saying.

0:16--But then, I was also under the impression Finland didn't have mountains. Shows what I know, right?

0:20--Eww, it's like he's wearing a hospital gown!

0:21--Sorry, I should have mentioned--Amorphis' singer is apparently Captain Jack Sparrow. Also, his voice is the only thing more kickass than that opening riff. He's much better than that nasally little bitch he replaced.

0:23--Yeah, Finland's Olympic fencing team isn't turning out well.

0:27--"Hmm...yes, there's DEFINITELY a woman in here!"

0:30--Most bands run like bitches when their venue catches fire. Not Amorphis. Funky Claude can suck it.

0:35--"I detect a hint of cilantro!"

0:39--"Welp, my wife got killed by the only actual villain in this epic and I couldn't even be bothered to get revenge. Still no reason to close the shop, I say!"

0:44--Sad to say, he probably thinks that hair's pretty metal. However, he commits the fatal error of being a white guy with dreads and winds up looking like he belongs in a Korn tribute band (do those really exist? Stickly, I hope not). Still, I guess it's the thought that counts.

0:53--You ever wonder why anvils are shaped the way they are? I do. I should research than and then disseminate (huh huh) what I find out. Maybe I'll film a documentary about anvils. I'll call it Anvil: The Story of Anvils and...FUCK.

0:58--Damn, this guy's FACE is a fire hazard.

1:07--Why is he dressed like a doorman?

1:11--Funny, that looks more like a fireplace poker. It makes sense--all women are cold metal implements, once you get right down to it.

1:17--You know, I think this guy should challenge Brian Fair to a dread-off. He'd lose, but he should still do it. Just to prove America's still #1 at something, damn it.

1:20--Dammit, would you just spring for a spirit level already?

1:27--Shouldn't he be wearing gloves or something? Basic conduction indicates that bar should be getting hot as fuck, right?

1:28--"STOP PLAYING COY, YOU FUCKING SLUT FORGE!!!"

1:30--Whoa, when the fuck did he do THAT? Ilmarinen Claus has mystical montage powers!

1:31--YOU GONNA GET RAPED

1:33--He seems nice, doesn't he? Stickly knows I'd let him babysit MY kids...but then, I hate children...

1:36--So is his head just really sooty or is that some kind of tattoo? I can't tell.

1:41--He got all this out of one chunk of rebar? Take THAT, Conservation of Matter and Energy!

1:44--Hey, he found the little man in the fire canoe!

1:47--Captain Jack's posture's even worse than mine...

1:51--I see he's above the vagoo-part now...he could just stop here really, everything from here on up is quite superfluous.

2:02--Weird how he can just hammer on it randomly and it'll still make a woman shape...

2:04--What, the feet again? Did Joss Whedon direct this?

2:06--It's even weirder how it burns like firewood, despite being metal and all.

2:08--AIIIGGGGH! LARS ULRICH!

2:16--Wow. At least the singer's white-boy dreads weren't on his face.

2:27--Yes, warm your hands over the fire 'cuz it's CLEARLY a bit nippy in there!

2:28--Okay, your fingers are actually IN the fire now. Clearly these are the same CGI people who worked on Alone In The Dark, except now they've progressed from ignoring obvious misses to ignoring obvious hits.

2:34--Hey, that's the guy who was staring at me at the bus stop yesterday!

2:47--Nope, not getting any creepy vibes off this guy at all!

2:57--Okay, time to get something off my chest: I really, really, REALLY don't like double-tracked vocals. It just makes it sound like the singer has two vocal chords or some shit.

3:02--I will say, though--Captain Jack can death-growl with the best of 'em...

3:14--Congratulations. You've made Persis Khambatta. She didn't have nipples either, right?

3:18--"I WINZ TEH KLAEHVLAHEH!"

Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. I just noticed. This guy shaves his armpits. HIS FUCKING ARMPITS. Just look at his face and then his armpits. Stickly. Just...STICKLY. I mean...I just...WHAT?!

So, yeah. I get the feeling I'll be covering a LOT of Finnish bands in these features. You can't have folklore this odd without producing a shit-ton of metal bands (many of them absolute shit) with crazy-ass videos to match.

And yes, I'm back. BITCHES.