Two kinds of people I can't stand: Portland cops and people who don't like Katatonia.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I am SO gonna get beaten up
Oh, you're Chris Humphreys, are you?
You have no problem identifying with a murderous thug, then. Superb.
A few months ago my grandfather came to visit. He mentioned how he'd heard Portland had problems with gangs in the past and asked if that was still the case. I told him that there's only one gang in town right now, and they're called the Portland Police Department.
I was semi-joking at the time. Now I realize how right I was. When presented with a shithead who should by rights be seen as a disgrace to their profession, the PPD opt instead to make a martyr of him. How laughable that one of the few remaining effective unions in this country spends most of its time standing for the rights of unrepentant thugs and racists, viewing even the most halfhearted slap on the wrist as an unforgivable insult.
Were this world perfect, the thug Humphreys would receive every punishment and injury he inflicted upon his victims. I wonder if his supporters would be so eager to claim his identity then.
You have no problem identifying with a murderous thug, then. Superb.
A few months ago my grandfather came to visit. He mentioned how he'd heard Portland had problems with gangs in the past and asked if that was still the case. I told him that there's only one gang in town right now, and they're called the Portland Police Department.
I was semi-joking at the time. Now I realize how right I was. When presented with a shithead who should by rights be seen as a disgrace to their profession, the PPD opt instead to make a martyr of him. How laughable that one of the few remaining effective unions in this country spends most of its time standing for the rights of unrepentant thugs and racists, viewing even the most halfhearted slap on the wrist as an unforgivable insult.
Were this world perfect, the thug Humphreys would receive every punishment and injury he inflicted upon his victims. I wonder if his supporters would be so eager to claim his identity then.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
A slight modification
So, originally my Quag Keep review was gonna be a Let's Play-style chapter-by-chapter dissection. On further examination, I think I'm going to jettison that plan. It's not a terribly long book, but it'd still take a hell of a long time at one chapter a week. And believe me, Quag Keep does NOT deserve that kind of analysis. So I think I'll just do it more big chunk by big chunk--still multi-part, though.
Some initial impressions:
Remember how I assumed that Andre Norton was a crappy writer? Yeah, so far it looks like I was right on the money. Here's the first sentence of the book:
"Eckstern produced the package with an exaggerated flourish and lifted the lid of the box to pluck out shredded packing with as much care as if he were about to display the crown jewels of some long-forgotten kingdom."
THE ENTIRE BOOK IS LIKE THIS. Norton does NOT do brevity. Except, heh, when it comes to characterization.
Also, do you know what Eckstern is unwrapping with such reverence? Pewter figurines. Yeah, it's one of THOSE kinds of books, where D&D is a tabletop wargame (this was written back in the Chainmail days, so it IS a wargame) even in the context of the book. Say what you will about R.A. Salvatore--and I have--but he never pulled this shit. This didn't work for the cartoon and it doesn't work here; all it does is pull me out of the story. Norton makes a point of thanking the book's publisher Donald A. Wollheim, "an authority and collector of military miniatures, whose special interest was so valuable for my research". Say, Andre, if you ever want to write a book about copyright infringement, Wollheim's something of an expert in that, too.
I'd also be remiss not to mention this picture of...whatever the hell this is a picture of.
A...morbidly obese lizardman on a horse? I have a feeling that's EXACTLY what it is. The back cover mentions a lizardman character...yeah, I'm calling it.
More on the way soon...
Some initial impressions:
Remember how I assumed that Andre Norton was a crappy writer? Yeah, so far it looks like I was right on the money. Here's the first sentence of the book:
"Eckstern produced the package with an exaggerated flourish and lifted the lid of the box to pluck out shredded packing with as much care as if he were about to display the crown jewels of some long-forgotten kingdom."
THE ENTIRE BOOK IS LIKE THIS. Norton does NOT do brevity. Except, heh, when it comes to characterization.
Also, do you know what Eckstern is unwrapping with such reverence? Pewter figurines. Yeah, it's one of THOSE kinds of books, where D&D is a tabletop wargame (this was written back in the Chainmail days, so it IS a wargame) even in the context of the book. Say what you will about R.A. Salvatore--and I have--but he never pulled this shit. This didn't work for the cartoon and it doesn't work here; all it does is pull me out of the story. Norton makes a point of thanking the book's publisher Donald A. Wollheim, "an authority and collector of military miniatures, whose special interest was so valuable for my research". Say, Andre, if you ever want to write a book about copyright infringement, Wollheim's something of an expert in that, too.
I'd also be remiss not to mention this picture of...whatever the hell this is a picture of.
A...morbidly obese lizardman on a horse? I have a feeling that's EXACTLY what it is. The back cover mentions a lizardman character...yeah, I'm calling it.
More on the way soon...
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I should do those Baldur's Gate books, actually
So I dropped by an antique store today (same one I got the 2e DMG from, go figure) and came home with this:
And what, pray tell, am I holding in this excessively-blurry photo? Why, it's none other than the very first Dungeons & Dragons novel! The latest addition to my collection! And what am I going to do with it? Why, the same thing I've been doing with the rest of my collection: read it!
And so I undertake a special project of sorts. This is NOT the special project I've been hinting at for a while--I WILL get to that, it's even the same basic idea as this, but that book is just so horrid and so LONG I just can't seem to get motivated on it. That it's going to take a long-ass time isn't helping either.
Not that I'm expecting any value of quality from this book, either--if anything, this'll be a warmup for the REAL shit. Because, Dungeons & Dragons? Great game, SHIT novels. Yes, that includes the Dragonlance books. No, YOU'RE a faggot. Not only that, but it's written by Andre Norton. I haven't read any of her stuff, but DAMN is there a lot of it. You could run an entire corner bookshop on her oeuvre. Forgive me for jumping to conclusions, but it's my experience that NOBODY with that kind of output is any good. And she wrote the book Beastmaster was based on. Make of that what you will.
This, then, is my mission and intent--read the book and post a blog entry, with requisite snark (or without if, wonder of wonders, the book is actually good), for each chapter. Call it a Let's Read. I'll still try to throw in posts on other stuff as I do this, just for variety's sake.
Wish me luck! It can't be as bad as the Baldur's Gate novelizations, right? RIGHT?!
And what, pray tell, am I holding in this excessively-blurry photo? Why, it's none other than the very first Dungeons & Dragons novel! The latest addition to my collection! And what am I going to do with it? Why, the same thing I've been doing with the rest of my collection: read it!
And so I undertake a special project of sorts. This is NOT the special project I've been hinting at for a while--I WILL get to that, it's even the same basic idea as this, but that book is just so horrid and so LONG I just can't seem to get motivated on it. That it's going to take a long-ass time isn't helping either.
Not that I'm expecting any value of quality from this book, either--if anything, this'll be a warmup for the REAL shit. Because, Dungeons & Dragons? Great game, SHIT novels. Yes, that includes the Dragonlance books. No, YOU'RE a faggot. Not only that, but it's written by Andre Norton. I haven't read any of her stuff, but DAMN is there a lot of it. You could run an entire corner bookshop on her oeuvre. Forgive me for jumping to conclusions, but it's my experience that NOBODY with that kind of output is any good. And she wrote the book Beastmaster was based on. Make of that what you will.
This, then, is my mission and intent--read the book and post a blog entry, with requisite snark (or without if, wonder of wonders, the book is actually good), for each chapter. Call it a Let's Read. I'll still try to throw in posts on other stuff as I do this, just for variety's sake.
Wish me luck! It can't be as bad as the Baldur's Gate novelizations, right? RIGHT?!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Rejoice!
The airwaves are--temporarily, at least--one fat, jowly racist poorer!
I doubt it'll last. I'm sure sooner or later he'll pop up on Fox News like all the other reactionary shitheads the REAL news channels didn't want.
But until then, Senor Dobbs, consider yourself PLAYED THE FUCK OFF.
I doubt it'll last. I'm sure sooner or later he'll pop up on Fox News like all the other reactionary shitheads the REAL news channels didn't want.
But until then, Senor Dobbs, consider yourself PLAYED THE FUCK OFF.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Coulda been worse. Coulda been Nightwish.
Hey! It's Friday! Know what time it is? Besides "time to take that dead hooker out to the curb so the garbage men don't miss her", that is.
It's time to snark on another shitty music video YAAAAAAAY!
This one requires a bit of explanation. You see, a certain trend--some might say a plague--has befallen heavy metal as of late; that is the trend of chick-metal. Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of--well, a few good metal bands with female singers. Arch Enemy, for example. What I speak of is pretty much its own subgenre at this point. Basically, you take a reasonably attractive, usually opera-trained young lady with large gazoombas (that last bit is utterly indispensable), stick her in front of a usually all-male ostensible metal band (talent optional--no one will be paying attention to them), and have them play some bland forgettable riff while she wheezes in an Protooled-to-perfection voice about some twee shit that wouldn't sound out of place on fucking American Idol. Bonus points if she marries/gets knocked up by one of her bandmates. Oh, and keyboards. Lots and lots of keyboards. I know this doesn't sound like winning material, but trust me, stick to the formula and Nuclear Blast and Century Media will come beating down your door!
Oh yeah. It's bad. Maybe not Attack Attack bad, but bad nonetheless. The fad seems to be dying down now, no thanks to the pandering of certain segments of the metal-oriented press. But there's still enough life in it to give us hilarious crap like today's video.
Submitted for your disapproval: Leaves Eyes, the only band that can make Vikings look like fucking pussies.
0:01--YARNMAIL ALERT!!!
0:05--So far, pretty metal. Helps there's no actual music yet.
0:09--And the first thing you hear is a mellow keyboard intro. METAL!!!
0:13--Here's the front-floozy herself. Turn-ons include sentimental ballads about FUCKING VIKINGS and sounding like a total fucktard on the Deciblog.
0:14--Ugh. See what I mean about Pro Tools?
0:16--"Shut up bitch, I'm trying to kill Romans!"
0:25--"I want you to have this. It's my silver medal in ski-jumping from Nagano."
0:36--"Girl's Night Out! Let's eat ice cream and read Shayla Black's Decadent!"
0:39--Holy crap. Is that an actual riff? Has...has this band actually started trying? Minus 50 points! Nuclear Blast drops you!
0:48--Damn. Strip out the keyboard and this would actually border on good.
0:56--Female bassist! Hotter than the singer, even! Do I add or subtract points for that?
I've heard a few Leaves Eyes songs, and this is by FAR the best one. Muse on that, why don't you--this song is the good one.
1:00--But it's not to last. *sigh* Yeah, a buncha guys are about to earn their place in Valhalla and fight alongside the Aesir during Ragnarok--but let's hear all about your problems!
1:01--Weeeeell, okay. But only 'cuz you let me look down your cleavage. But start wittering on about your destiny again and I'd better at least see some ankle!
1:06--See that guy? He's the singer's husband. He used to be the lead singer. The band used to be called Atrocity and they used to play pretty decent death metal. I'm not making any of this up. Sad, ain't it?
1:08--Man, Xerxes fell on hard times...
1:12--Where are they plugged in, anyway?
1:13--ANOTHER cleavage shot? Okay, they're doing this on purpose. Some label rep was whispering in the director's ear "Keep shooting her chesticles and we can get on whatever's left of Headbanger's Ball!"
1:18--"Tonight...we dine...awww, c'mon guys! I rehearsed that line for like a week!"
1:23--"Okay, I'm the defender so I'll go first. The striker's moving around into flank, right?"
1:24--"Aw, fuck it! Damn thing was only protecting my tender flesh from sword thrusts anyway!"
1:27--I can't decide if she's hot or creepy. I'm leaning towards creepy.
1:31--Yup, creepy.
1:37--Errrrm...does anybody have a paper bag?
1:38--NOES! Ahhh, I'm sure it won't be important later.
1:41--"YEAH!!! Take THAT, you stinking Geat or Finn or whatever the hell you're supposed to be!"
1:43--Oh, come on! Don't dignify this with headbanging!
1:45--"I JUST MADE PARAGON PATH!!!"
1:49--You know what she looks like? It looks like she's had some Countess Bathory-like deal going on for the last 400 years or so, she's been falling behind on the virgin-blood payments lately and Makeup is trying like hell to cover it up.
1:51--Well, at least the drummer's enjoying himself. Hey, long as he gets to bang on stuff he's happy!
1:54--Nope, DEFINITELY not gonna be important later. Chekhov? Who's that?
1:55--Laugh if you will, but that huge butter knife has gotten this dude out of some serious scrapes.
1:56--glu-HOY--what was I talking about?
2:02--Uh, dude, I know I made fun of your wife's singing earlier, but at least SHE didn't sound like she was in mid-difficult shit. Stick to death grunts. IF YOU STILL REMEMBER HOW, TRAITOR.
2:08--Okay, maybe not hotter than the singer. But still less creepy.
2:12--"Our friend in the middle here lost all her pigmentation. Did you find any while you were fighting the Gauls or whoever?"
2:14--"Yeah, I took a level in Monk. Here's your medal back, by the way. You got ROBBED at Nagano."
2:16--"Make fun of my samurai armor, will you? 300 references are SO 2007!"
2:19--"Oh Heimdall, I DID get robbed! Fucking Russian judge!"
2:23--HAAAAAWWWWRK*ptui* "Sorry for your loss."
2:35--Gods, her chin looks like it's about to split open...
2:39--Wizard's sleeves? Are you trying to tell us something? Sorry, I'm on like my third beer...
2:40--Oh, shut up.
2:45--Hey HEY! No praying to the accursed Nazarene!
2:48--"I told you not to climb it, you stupid...mother...FUCKING...PIECE OF SHIT!!!"
2:52--Stickly, even SHE'S bored now.
2:56--SYMBOLISM!!!!OMGWTFGENIUS!!! (note: I actually liked Equilibrium. I just wanted to show where I stole the joke from.)
3:00--"This...is...SCANDINAVIA!!!" "Bjorn, for Odin's sake, cut it out already."
3:09--"Well, now I feel silly. Did I overdress?"
3:10--Remember kids, never do today what you can put off till tomorrow!
3:15--DO NOT WANT
3:19--And the final results are:
0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.5
There you have it, folks--once again, Norway is out of the high-dive medal contention. When will they learn the judges aren't impressed by the belly flop?
3:31--TWO Big Nos? Really, Leaves Eyes?
3:34--Dammit, stop looking up at the camera!
3:40--"Oh well, I wasn't cut out for the whole settling-down thing anyway! That's just an express ticket to Helheim!"
3:45--Ooh! Stab in the armpit! Gets 'em every time!
3:53--ACK! Don't show so many teeth when you smile! You're worse than that chick from the Attack Attack video!
3:55--Suck it, Xerxes! Maybe if your DEX had been higher than your STR that monk level actually would've helped!
3:56--"BOOYAH! I'm ready for Manowar videos now!"
4:00--Lady, light is not your friend.
4:03--Oh, she brought attention back to the boobelage. All is forgiven.
4:10--"Long-term relationships is dildos! Wheres is the G-MILFs?"
Leaves Eyes is Norweigan-German. Norway, of course, gave us black metal, and Germany gave us such fine bands as Kreator and Helloween. Let this be a lesson to you all: pedigree does not denote quality. Sure, their bassist is bangable and the singer's hot from the neck down (and from the neck up she looks like old pictures of my fraternal grandmother, maybe that's the mental block), but this isn't the 80s! Metal isn't all about looks anymore! Metal is supposed to be where the ugliest men on earth can achieve musical stardom! This isn't FOR you, bitch! And the English used to pray to their false God for protection against the Vikings--jeez, show some respect! God Dethroned has a chick in it and they don't totally suck! What is wrong with you?
Sorry. I'm pretty drunk at this point so I'd better just wrap this up. Bottom line, chick-metal sucks, Norway and Germany aren't to blame for that, go buy the new Immortal album.
It's time to snark on another shitty music video YAAAAAAAY!
This one requires a bit of explanation. You see, a certain trend--some might say a plague--has befallen heavy metal as of late; that is the trend of chick-metal. Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of--well, a few good metal bands with female singers. Arch Enemy, for example. What I speak of is pretty much its own subgenre at this point. Basically, you take a reasonably attractive, usually opera-trained young lady with large gazoombas (that last bit is utterly indispensable), stick her in front of a usually all-male ostensible metal band (talent optional--no one will be paying attention to them), and have them play some bland forgettable riff while she wheezes in an Protooled-to-perfection voice about some twee shit that wouldn't sound out of place on fucking American Idol. Bonus points if she marries/gets knocked up by one of her bandmates. Oh, and keyboards. Lots and lots of keyboards. I know this doesn't sound like winning material, but trust me, stick to the formula and Nuclear Blast and Century Media will come beating down your door!
Oh yeah. It's bad. Maybe not Attack Attack bad, but bad nonetheless. The fad seems to be dying down now, no thanks to the pandering of certain segments of the metal-oriented press. But there's still enough life in it to give us hilarious crap like today's video.
Submitted for your disapproval: Leaves Eyes, the only band that can make Vikings look like fucking pussies.
0:01--YARNMAIL ALERT!!!
0:05--So far, pretty metal. Helps there's no actual music yet.
0:09--And the first thing you hear is a mellow keyboard intro. METAL!!!
0:13--Here's the front-floozy herself. Turn-ons include sentimental ballads about FUCKING VIKINGS and sounding like a total fucktard on the Deciblog.
0:14--Ugh. See what I mean about Pro Tools?
0:16--"Shut up bitch, I'm trying to kill Romans!"
0:25--"I want you to have this. It's my silver medal in ski-jumping from Nagano."
0:36--"Girl's Night Out! Let's eat ice cream and read Shayla Black's Decadent!"
0:39--Holy crap. Is that an actual riff? Has...has this band actually started trying? Minus 50 points! Nuclear Blast drops you!
0:48--Damn. Strip out the keyboard and this would actually border on good.
0:56--Female bassist! Hotter than the singer, even! Do I add or subtract points for that?
I've heard a few Leaves Eyes songs, and this is by FAR the best one. Muse on that, why don't you--this song is the good one.
1:00--But it's not to last. *sigh* Yeah, a buncha guys are about to earn their place in Valhalla and fight alongside the Aesir during Ragnarok--but let's hear all about your problems!
1:01--Weeeeell, okay. But only 'cuz you let me look down your cleavage. But start wittering on about your destiny again and I'd better at least see some ankle!
1:06--See that guy? He's the singer's husband. He used to be the lead singer. The band used to be called Atrocity and they used to play pretty decent death metal. I'm not making any of this up. Sad, ain't it?
1:08--Man, Xerxes fell on hard times...
1:12--Where are they plugged in, anyway?
1:13--ANOTHER cleavage shot? Okay, they're doing this on purpose. Some label rep was whispering in the director's ear "Keep shooting her chesticles and we can get on whatever's left of Headbanger's Ball!"
1:18--"Tonight...we dine...awww, c'mon guys! I rehearsed that line for like a week!"
1:23--"Okay, I'm the defender so I'll go first. The striker's moving around into flank, right?"
1:24--"Aw, fuck it! Damn thing was only protecting my tender flesh from sword thrusts anyway!"
1:27--I can't decide if she's hot or creepy. I'm leaning towards creepy.
1:31--Yup, creepy.
1:37--Errrrm...does anybody have a paper bag?
1:38--NOES! Ahhh, I'm sure it won't be important later.
1:41--"YEAH!!! Take THAT, you stinking Geat or Finn or whatever the hell you're supposed to be!"
1:43--Oh, come on! Don't dignify this with headbanging!
1:45--"I JUST MADE PARAGON PATH!!!"
1:49--You know what she looks like? It looks like she's had some Countess Bathory-like deal going on for the last 400 years or so, she's been falling behind on the virgin-blood payments lately and Makeup is trying like hell to cover it up.
1:51--Well, at least the drummer's enjoying himself. Hey, long as he gets to bang on stuff he's happy!
1:54--Nope, DEFINITELY not gonna be important later. Chekhov? Who's that?
1:55--Laugh if you will, but that huge butter knife has gotten this dude out of some serious scrapes.
1:56--glu-HOY--what was I talking about?
2:02--Uh, dude, I know I made fun of your wife's singing earlier, but at least SHE didn't sound like she was in mid-difficult shit. Stick to death grunts. IF YOU STILL REMEMBER HOW, TRAITOR.
2:08--Okay, maybe not hotter than the singer. But still less creepy.
2:12--"Our friend in the middle here lost all her pigmentation. Did you find any while you were fighting the Gauls or whoever?"
2:14--"Yeah, I took a level in Monk. Here's your medal back, by the way. You got ROBBED at Nagano."
2:16--"Make fun of my samurai armor, will you? 300 references are SO 2007!"
2:19--"Oh Heimdall, I DID get robbed! Fucking Russian judge!"
2:23--HAAAAAWWWWRK*ptui* "Sorry for your loss."
2:35--Gods, her chin looks like it's about to split open...
2:39--Wizard's sleeves? Are you trying to tell us something? Sorry, I'm on like my third beer...
2:40--Oh, shut up.
2:45--Hey HEY! No praying to the accursed Nazarene!
2:48--"I told you not to climb it, you stupid...mother...FUCKING...PIECE OF SHIT!!!"
2:52--Stickly, even SHE'S bored now.
2:56--SYMBOLISM!!!!OMGWTFGENIUS!!! (note: I actually liked Equilibrium. I just wanted to show where I stole the joke from.)
3:00--"This...is...SCANDINAVIA!!!" "Bjorn, for Odin's sake, cut it out already."
3:09--"Well, now I feel silly. Did I overdress?"
3:10--Remember kids, never do today what you can put off till tomorrow!
3:15--DO NOT WANT
3:19--And the final results are:
0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.5
There you have it, folks--once again, Norway is out of the high-dive medal contention. When will they learn the judges aren't impressed by the belly flop?
3:31--TWO Big Nos? Really, Leaves Eyes?
3:34--Dammit, stop looking up at the camera!
3:40--"Oh well, I wasn't cut out for the whole settling-down thing anyway! That's just an express ticket to Helheim!"
3:45--Ooh! Stab in the armpit! Gets 'em every time!
3:53--ACK! Don't show so many teeth when you smile! You're worse than that chick from the Attack Attack video!
3:55--Suck it, Xerxes! Maybe if your DEX had been higher than your STR that monk level actually would've helped!
3:56--"BOOYAH! I'm ready for Manowar videos now!"
4:00--Lady, light is not your friend.
4:03--Oh, she brought attention back to the boobelage. All is forgiven.
4:10--"Long-term relationships is dildos! Wheres is the G-MILFs?"
Leaves Eyes is Norweigan-German. Norway, of course, gave us black metal, and Germany gave us such fine bands as Kreator and Helloween. Let this be a lesson to you all: pedigree does not denote quality. Sure, their bassist is bangable and the singer's hot from the neck down (and from the neck up she looks like old pictures of my fraternal grandmother, maybe that's the mental block), but this isn't the 80s! Metal isn't all about looks anymore! Metal is supposed to be where the ugliest men on earth can achieve musical stardom! This isn't FOR you, bitch! And the English used to pray to their false God for protection against the Vikings--jeez, show some respect! God Dethroned has a chick in it and they don't totally suck! What is wrong with you?
Sorry. I'm pretty drunk at this point so I'd better just wrap this up. Bottom line, chick-metal sucks, Norway and Germany aren't to blame for that, go buy the new Immortal album.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Firefox thinks "THAC0" is a word
Considering how much 2nd ed. stuff I've been collecting lately, it's probably best I do the actual ruleset next.
It took me a while to find a 2e Player's Handbook, but this one was worth the wait--it's in fantastic condition. Thanks are due to L'Anne Thompson (the name written on the inside cover) for taking such good care of it. The Dungeon Master's Guide is kind of worn out, but still pretty well off considering I picked it up in an antique store for six bucks. Not only that, but I suspect the original owner was just a kid. Why do I think this?
Call it a hunch.
This is it. The big one. For better or worse, this is the edition that defined D&D through the latter TSR period. This is the edition that brought us all the classic campaign settings we now think of when we think Dungeons & Dragons. And not incidentally, this is the edition that brought us THAC0.
But I'll get to that later. First, I want to talk about these books' design. The layout is pretty uninspiring, reminding me of nothing so much of those elementary-school textbooks dating back to the 70s-80s; I went to public school, so believe me, I KNOW my outdated textbooks. It's all black and white and blue--it almost looks like it came out of a mimeograph in places. The text is VERY small and is arranged in columns. For a game people supposedly play for fun, these books are surprisingly sober and businesslike (which you could also say about the actual rules, but again, more on that in a bit).
But that pales in comparison to the artwork, which is for the most part horrid. Some pieces look like the artist is trying to harken back to old medieval woodcuts, but just look unappealingly flat and cartoony. Others are more realistic, but those are even worse--they look like somebody dressed a bunch of models like LARPers and slapped Photoshop filters over the resulting photos. Or they would if they had Photoshop back then. You know what I mean. In fact, there's only one picture in these things I really, truly liked:
DAMN! Let this be a lesson to you: Fucketh not with dwarves!
Incidentally, do you know what the page this picture appears on is about? Calculating THAC0. Not morale checks, not crazy dwarves, but calculating THAC0. Like many of the other illustrations in these books, this picture has nothing whatsoever to do with anything in its page's text. It's pretty damn weird to be staring at a picture of Vikings storming a ruined castle while the text witters on about Intelligence scores.
Which brings me to the real point and purpose of these books: the ruleset. I know I make fun of THAC0 a lot on this blog. But, truth be told, THAC0 is probably the least problematic element of this edition. Oh sure, it's still needlessly elaborate and a pretty terrible way of handling armor, but at least it's coherently defined and fairly easy to get the hang of. I can't say that about a lot of the other rules.
Like the rest of combat for instance. I have no idea how combat is supposed to work. None. I've reread that section several times and each time my eyes just glaze the fuck over. The PHB suggests several different ways of handling initiative and I don't understand any of them. Maybe it's just a matter of actually trying it out and then it just falls into place, but that just seems like the alpha and omega of forlorn hopes. And the saving throws...GAH! You have to roll under a certain number to save, but bonuses are still called pluses and penalties are still called minuses, and a plus makes your roll lower...just...just...GAH!
2nd edition has an annoying habit of being vague about things that matter and overcomplicating things that don't. Like weapons--they cram the weapons list full of stats (like speed factor) and then claim they're optional (more on that in a bit), but then spend an entire page describing various polearms in exhaustive detail. Apart from getting the phrase "Lucerne hammer" stuck in my head, exactly what the fuck is the purpose of this? Why don't all the listed weapons get that treatment? What if I'm curious about the difference between a longsword and a broadsword, huh?
I mentioned an optional rule before--let me tell you, half these damn books are optional, and what isn't explicitly optional you can often safely ignore or house-rule. Critical hits? Optional. Skill proficiencies? Optional. The DM being allowed to stab a player in the eye with a pencil if he wants to use an arquebus? Optional, but highly encouraged. The DMG even suggests removing class and level limits for nonhuman players, then wails about how then humans won't be teh speshul no more. Again, I hear a lot of games did, in fact, ignore that particular bit of nonsense and wound up with ludicrously overpowered parties as a result. It's like TSR's giving a ten-year-old a cool new toy to play with, then slaps it out of his hands every ten minutes and bitches about how he should be content with that old copy of Mystery Date moldering away under the bed.
Oh, but I haven't even gotten to what I consider the worst part: the endless busywork. I mentioned strongholds in my Blue Box review, and how I didn't really see the point and thought it changed the focus of the game too much--well, it's even more annoying in 2nd edition Advanced. 2nd Edition has pretensions of realism, but is it realistic for small armies of bears to start following your ranger around once you cross some arbitrary level line? I play Dungeons & Dragons to--guess what--loot dungeons and kill dragons; if I want realism I'll play GURPS or some shit. Do I really need to give away chunks of my loot to a small army of hangers-on who won't even let me cast detect evil on them to make sure they're not double agents (as the books suggest is possible)? Maybe it's best I keep them around, since monster descriptions routinely suggest they travel in groups of hundreds at a time. How the fuck did battles get resolved in less than a week?
And what the fuck is with the magic system? I don't mean the Vancian fire-and-forget stuff--that part I love--I mean how it seems determined to fuck over the user as much as it does the target. The rapid aging, the system shock, the resurrection survivals...yeesh. And don't you DARE say game balance to me! That can be addressed with ability score requirements and expensive material components...in fact, it IS!
Am...am I just spoiled here? Am I so used to 4th edition holding my hand I'm reading in hassles that simply aren't there? That has to be it. People did play this thing for eleven years, after all--some even still swear by it. All that bile against 4th edition has to be coming from somewhere, right?
So, would I play AD&D 2nd edition?
I...guess? I'll try anything once and all that. If nothing else, it was home to all the classic campaign settings (Dark Sun, Planescape, etc.)--if I ever do play this thing I'll have to insist it's with one of those. And there's something to be said for a ruleset that's somewhat impregnable; it feels more like an exclusive club--ooh! Maybe even a secret society! Oh, I don't understand football? Well, YOU don't understand Bend Bars/Lift Gates!
Still, though--Darin Smith, if you want your DMG back, you can have it. For seven dollars.
It took me a while to find a 2e Player's Handbook, but this one was worth the wait--it's in fantastic condition. Thanks are due to L'Anne Thompson (the name written on the inside cover) for taking such good care of it. The Dungeon Master's Guide is kind of worn out, but still pretty well off considering I picked it up in an antique store for six bucks. Not only that, but I suspect the original owner was just a kid. Why do I think this?
Call it a hunch.
This is it. The big one. For better or worse, this is the edition that defined D&D through the latter TSR period. This is the edition that brought us all the classic campaign settings we now think of when we think Dungeons & Dragons. And not incidentally, this is the edition that brought us THAC0.
But I'll get to that later. First, I want to talk about these books' design. The layout is pretty uninspiring, reminding me of nothing so much of those elementary-school textbooks dating back to the 70s-80s; I went to public school, so believe me, I KNOW my outdated textbooks. It's all black and white and blue--it almost looks like it came out of a mimeograph in places. The text is VERY small and is arranged in columns. For a game people supposedly play for fun, these books are surprisingly sober and businesslike (which you could also say about the actual rules, but again, more on that in a bit).
But that pales in comparison to the artwork, which is for the most part horrid. Some pieces look like the artist is trying to harken back to old medieval woodcuts, but just look unappealingly flat and cartoony. Others are more realistic, but those are even worse--they look like somebody dressed a bunch of models like LARPers and slapped Photoshop filters over the resulting photos. Or they would if they had Photoshop back then. You know what I mean. In fact, there's only one picture in these things I really, truly liked:
DAMN! Let this be a lesson to you: Fucketh not with dwarves!
Incidentally, do you know what the page this picture appears on is about? Calculating THAC0. Not morale checks, not crazy dwarves, but calculating THAC0. Like many of the other illustrations in these books, this picture has nothing whatsoever to do with anything in its page's text. It's pretty damn weird to be staring at a picture of Vikings storming a ruined castle while the text witters on about Intelligence scores.
Which brings me to the real point and purpose of these books: the ruleset. I know I make fun of THAC0 a lot on this blog. But, truth be told, THAC0 is probably the least problematic element of this edition. Oh sure, it's still needlessly elaborate and a pretty terrible way of handling armor, but at least it's coherently defined and fairly easy to get the hang of. I can't say that about a lot of the other rules.
Like the rest of combat for instance. I have no idea how combat is supposed to work. None. I've reread that section several times and each time my eyes just glaze the fuck over. The PHB suggests several different ways of handling initiative and I don't understand any of them. Maybe it's just a matter of actually trying it out and then it just falls into place, but that just seems like the alpha and omega of forlorn hopes. And the saving throws...GAH! You have to roll under a certain number to save, but bonuses are still called pluses and penalties are still called minuses, and a plus makes your roll lower...just...just...GAH!
2nd edition has an annoying habit of being vague about things that matter and overcomplicating things that don't. Like weapons--they cram the weapons list full of stats (like speed factor) and then claim they're optional (more on that in a bit), but then spend an entire page describing various polearms in exhaustive detail. Apart from getting the phrase "Lucerne hammer" stuck in my head, exactly what the fuck is the purpose of this? Why don't all the listed weapons get that treatment? What if I'm curious about the difference between a longsword and a broadsword, huh?
I mentioned an optional rule before--let me tell you, half these damn books are optional, and what isn't explicitly optional you can often safely ignore or house-rule. Critical hits? Optional. Skill proficiencies? Optional. The DM being allowed to stab a player in the eye with a pencil if he wants to use an arquebus? Optional, but highly encouraged. The DMG even suggests removing class and level limits for nonhuman players, then wails about how then humans won't be teh speshul no more. Again, I hear a lot of games did, in fact, ignore that particular bit of nonsense and wound up with ludicrously overpowered parties as a result. It's like TSR's giving a ten-year-old a cool new toy to play with, then slaps it out of his hands every ten minutes and bitches about how he should be content with that old copy of Mystery Date moldering away under the bed.
Oh, but I haven't even gotten to what I consider the worst part: the endless busywork. I mentioned strongholds in my Blue Box review, and how I didn't really see the point and thought it changed the focus of the game too much--well, it's even more annoying in 2nd edition Advanced. 2nd Edition has pretensions of realism, but is it realistic for small armies of bears to start following your ranger around once you cross some arbitrary level line? I play Dungeons & Dragons to--guess what--loot dungeons and kill dragons; if I want realism I'll play GURPS or some shit. Do I really need to give away chunks of my loot to a small army of hangers-on who won't even let me cast detect evil on them to make sure they're not double agents (as the books suggest is possible)? Maybe it's best I keep them around, since monster descriptions routinely suggest they travel in groups of hundreds at a time. How the fuck did battles get resolved in less than a week?
And what the fuck is with the magic system? I don't mean the Vancian fire-and-forget stuff--that part I love--I mean how it seems determined to fuck over the user as much as it does the target. The rapid aging, the system shock, the resurrection survivals...yeesh. And don't you DARE say game balance to me! That can be addressed with ability score requirements and expensive material components...in fact, it IS!
Am...am I just spoiled here? Am I so used to 4th edition holding my hand I'm reading in hassles that simply aren't there? That has to be it. People did play this thing for eleven years, after all--some even still swear by it. All that bile against 4th edition has to be coming from somewhere, right?
So, would I play AD&D 2nd edition?
I...guess? I'll try anything once and all that. If nothing else, it was home to all the classic campaign settings (Dark Sun, Planescape, etc.)--if I ever do play this thing I'll have to insist it's with one of those. And there's something to be said for a ruleset that's somewhat impregnable; it feels more like an exclusive club--ooh! Maybe even a secret society! Oh, I don't understand football? Well, YOU don't understand Bend Bars/Lift Gates!
Still, though--Darin Smith, if you want your DMG back, you can have it. For seven dollars.
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