Coulda been worse. Coulda been Nightwish.

Hey! It's Friday! Know what time it is? Besides "time to take that dead hooker out to the curb so the garbage men don't miss her", that is.

It's time to snark on another shitty music video YAAAAAAAY!

This one requires a bit of explanation. You see, a certain trend--some might say a plague--has befallen heavy metal as of late; that is the trend of chick-metal. Now don't get me wrong, there are plenty of--well, a few good metal bands with female singers. Arch Enemy, for example. What I speak of is pretty much its own subgenre at this point. Basically, you take a reasonably attractive, usually opera-trained young lady with large gazoombas (that last bit is utterly indispensable), stick her in front of a usually all-male ostensible metal band (talent optional--no one will be paying attention to them), and have them play some bland forgettable riff while she wheezes in an Protooled-to-perfection voice about some twee shit that wouldn't sound out of place on fucking American Idol. Bonus points if she marries/gets knocked up by one of her bandmates. Oh, and keyboards. Lots and lots of keyboards. I know this doesn't sound like winning material, but trust me, stick to the formula and Nuclear Blast and Century Media will come beating down your door!

Oh yeah. It's bad. Maybe not Attack Attack bad, but bad nonetheless. The fad seems to be dying down now, no thanks to the pandering of certain segments of the metal-oriented press. But there's still enough life in it to give us hilarious crap like today's video.

Submitted for your disapproval: Leaves Eyes, the only band that can make Vikings look like fucking pussies.




0:01--YARNMAIL ALERT!!!

0:05--So far, pretty metal. Helps there's no actual music yet.

0:09--And the first thing you hear is a mellow keyboard intro. METAL!!!

0:13--Here's the front-floozy herself. Turn-ons include sentimental ballads about FUCKING VIKINGS and sounding like a total fucktard on the Deciblog.

0:14--Ugh. See what I mean about Pro Tools?

0:16--"Shut up bitch, I'm trying to kill Romans!"

0:25--"I want you to have this. It's my silver medal in ski-jumping from Nagano."

0:36--"Girl's Night Out! Let's eat ice cream and read Shayla Black's Decadent!"

0:39--Holy crap. Is that an actual riff? Has...has this band actually started trying? Minus 50 points! Nuclear Blast drops you!

0:48--Damn. Strip out the keyboard and this would actually border on good.

0:56--Female bassist! Hotter than the singer, even! Do I add or subtract points for that?

I've heard a few Leaves Eyes songs, and this is by FAR the best one. Muse on that, why don't you--this song is the good one.

1:00--But it's not to last. *sigh* Yeah, a buncha guys are about to earn their place in Valhalla and fight alongside the Aesir during Ragnarok--but let's hear all about your problems!

1:01--Weeeeell, okay. But only 'cuz you let me look down your cleavage. But start wittering on about your destiny again and I'd better at least see some ankle!

1:06--See that guy? He's the singer's husband. He used to be the lead singer. The band used to be called Atrocity and they used to play pretty decent death metal. I'm not making any of this up. Sad, ain't it?

1:08--Man, Xerxes fell on hard times...

1:12--Where are they plugged in, anyway?

1:13--ANOTHER cleavage shot? Okay, they're doing this on purpose. Some label rep was whispering in the director's ear "Keep shooting her chesticles and we can get on whatever's left of Headbanger's Ball!"

1:18--"Tonight...we dine...awww, c'mon guys! I rehearsed that line for like a week!"

1:23--"Okay, I'm the defender so I'll go first. The striker's moving around into flank, right?"

1:24--"Aw, fuck it! Damn thing was only protecting my tender flesh from sword thrusts anyway!"

1:27--I can't decide if she's hot or creepy. I'm leaning towards creepy.

1:31--Yup, creepy.

1:37--Errrrm...does anybody have a paper bag?

1:38--NOES! Ahhh, I'm sure it won't be important later.

1:41--"YEAH!!! Take THAT, you stinking Geat or Finn or whatever the hell you're supposed to be!"

1:43--Oh, come on! Don't dignify this with headbanging!

1:45--"I JUST MADE PARAGON PATH!!!"

1:49--You know what she looks like? It looks like she's had some Countess Bathory-like deal going on for the last 400 years or so, she's been falling behind on the virgin-blood payments lately and Makeup is trying like hell to cover it up.

1:51--Well, at least the drummer's enjoying himself. Hey, long as he gets to bang on stuff he's happy!

1:54--Nope, DEFINITELY not gonna be important later. Chekhov? Who's that?

1:55--Laugh if you will, but that huge butter knife has gotten this dude out of some serious scrapes.

1:56--glu-HOY--what was I talking about?

2:02--Uh, dude, I know I made fun of your wife's singing earlier, but at least SHE didn't sound like she was in mid-difficult shit. Stick to death grunts. IF YOU STILL REMEMBER HOW, TRAITOR.

2:08--Okay, maybe not hotter than the singer. But still less creepy.

2:12--"Our friend in the middle here lost all her pigmentation. Did you find any while you were fighting the Gauls or whoever?"

2:14--"Yeah, I took a level in Monk. Here's your medal back, by the way. You got ROBBED at Nagano."

2:16--"Make fun of my samurai armor, will you? 300 references are SO 2007!"

2:19--"Oh Heimdall, I DID get robbed! Fucking Russian judge!"

2:23--HAAAAAWWWWRK*ptui* "Sorry for your loss."

2:35--Gods, her chin looks like it's about to split open...

2:39--Wizard's sleeves? Are you trying to tell us something? Sorry, I'm on like my third beer...

2:40--Oh, shut up.

2:45--Hey HEY! No praying to the accursed Nazarene!

2:48--"I told you not to climb it, you stupid...mother...FUCKING...PIECE OF SHIT!!!"

2:52--Stickly, even SHE'S bored now.

2:56--SYMBOLISM!!!!OMGWTFGENIUS!!! (note: I actually liked Equilibrium. I just wanted to show where I stole the joke from.)

3:00--"This...is...SCANDINAVIA!!!" "Bjorn, for Odin's sake, cut it out already."

3:09--"Well, now I feel silly. Did I overdress?"

3:10--Remember kids, never do today what you can put off till tomorrow!

3:15--DO NOT WANT


3:19--And the final results are:

0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.0, 0.5

There you have it, folks--once again, Norway is out of the high-dive medal contention. When will they learn the judges aren't impressed by the belly flop?

3:31--TWO Big Nos? Really, Leaves Eyes?

3:34--Dammit, stop looking up at the camera!

3:40--"Oh well, I wasn't cut out for the whole settling-down thing anyway! That's just an express ticket to Helheim!"

3:45--Ooh! Stab in the armpit! Gets 'em every time!

3:53--ACK! Don't show so many teeth when you smile! You're worse than that chick from the Attack Attack video!

3:55--Suck it, Xerxes! Maybe if your DEX had been higher than your STR that monk level actually would've helped!

3:56--"BOOYAH! I'm ready for Manowar videos now!"

4:00--Lady, light is not your friend.

4:03--Oh, she brought attention back to the boobelage. All is forgiven.

4:10--"Long-term relationships is dildos! Wheres is the G-MILFs?"

Leaves Eyes is Norweigan-German. Norway, of course, gave us black metal, and Germany gave us such fine bands as Kreator and Helloween. Let this be a lesson to you all: pedigree does not denote quality. Sure, their bassist is bangable and the singer's hot from the neck down (and from the neck up she looks like old pictures of my fraternal grandmother, maybe that's the mental block), but this isn't the 80s! Metal isn't all about looks anymore! Metal is supposed to be where the ugliest men on earth can achieve musical stardom! This isn't FOR you, bitch! And the English used to pray to their false God for protection against the Vikings--jeez, show some respect! God Dethroned has a chick in it and they don't totally suck! What is wrong with you?

Sorry. I'm pretty drunk at this point so I'd better just wrap this up. Bottom line, chick-metal sucks, Norway and Germany aren't to blame for that, go buy the new Immortal album.