It took me a while to find a 2e Player's Handbook, but this one was worth the wait--it's in fantastic condition. Thanks are due to L'Anne Thompson (the name written on the inside cover) for taking such good care of it. The Dungeon Master's Guide is kind of worn out, but still pretty well off considering I picked it up in an antique store for six bucks. Not only that, but I suspect the original owner was just a kid. Why do I think this?
Call it a hunch.
This is it. The big one. For better or worse, this is the edition that defined D&D through the latter TSR period. This is the edition that brought us all the classic campaign settings we now think of when we think Dungeons & Dragons. And not incidentally, this is the edition that brought us THAC0.
But I'll get to that later. First, I want to talk about these books' design. The layout is pretty uninspiring, reminding me of nothing so much of those elementary-school textbooks dating back to the 70s-80s; I went to public school, so believe me, I KNOW my outdated textbooks. It's all black and white and blue--it almost looks like it came out of a mimeograph in places. The text is VERY small and is arranged in columns. For a game people supposedly play for fun, these books are surprisingly sober and businesslike (which you could also say about the actual rules, but again, more on that in a bit).
But that pales in comparison to the artwork, which is for the most part horrid. Some pieces look like the artist is trying to harken back to old medieval woodcuts, but just look unappealingly flat and cartoony. Others are more realistic, but those are even worse--they look like somebody dressed a bunch of models like LARPers and slapped Photoshop filters over the resulting photos. Or they would if they had Photoshop back then. You know what I mean. In fact, there's only one picture in these things I really, truly liked:
DAMN! Let this be a lesson to you: Fucketh not with dwarves!
Incidentally, do you know what the page this picture appears on is about? Calculating THAC0. Not morale checks, not crazy dwarves, but calculating THAC0. Like many of the other illustrations in these books, this picture has nothing whatsoever to do with anything in its page's text. It's pretty damn weird to be staring at a picture of Vikings storming a ruined castle while the text witters on about Intelligence scores.
Which brings me to the real point and purpose of these books: the ruleset. I know I make fun of THAC0 a lot on this blog. But, truth be told, THAC0 is probably the least problematic element of this edition. Oh sure, it's still needlessly elaborate and a pretty terrible way of handling armor, but at least it's coherently defined and fairly easy to get the hang of. I can't say that about a lot of the other rules.
Like the rest of combat for instance. I have no idea how combat is supposed to work. None. I've reread that section several times and each time my eyes just glaze the fuck over. The PHB suggests several different ways of handling initiative and I don't understand any of them. Maybe it's just a matter of actually trying it out and then it just falls into place, but that just seems like the alpha and omega of forlorn hopes. And the saving throws...GAH! You have to roll under a certain number to save, but bonuses are still called pluses and penalties are still called minuses, and a plus makes your roll lower...just...just...GAH!
2nd edition has an annoying habit of being vague about things that matter and overcomplicating things that don't. Like weapons--they cram the weapons list full of stats (like speed factor) and then claim they're optional (more on that in a bit), but then spend an entire page describing various polearms in exhaustive detail. Apart from getting the phrase "Lucerne hammer" stuck in my head, exactly what the fuck is the purpose of this? Why don't all the listed weapons get that treatment? What if I'm curious about the difference between a longsword and a broadsword, huh?
I mentioned an optional rule before--let me tell you, half these damn books are optional, and what isn't explicitly optional you can often safely ignore or house-rule. Critical hits? Optional. Skill proficiencies? Optional. The DM being allowed to stab a player in the eye with a pencil if he wants to use an arquebus? Optional, but highly encouraged. The DMG even suggests removing class and level limits for nonhuman players, then wails about how then humans won't be teh speshul no more. Again, I hear a lot of games did, in fact, ignore that particular bit of nonsense and wound up with ludicrously overpowered parties as a result. It's like TSR's giving a ten-year-old a cool new toy to play with, then slaps it out of his hands every ten minutes and bitches about how he should be content with that old copy of Mystery Date moldering away under the bed.
Oh, but I haven't even gotten to what I consider the worst part: the endless busywork. I mentioned strongholds in my Blue Box review, and how I didn't really see the point and thought it changed the focus of the game too much--well, it's even more annoying in 2nd edition Advanced. 2nd Edition has pretensions of realism, but is it realistic for small armies of bears to start following your ranger around once you cross some arbitrary level line? I play Dungeons & Dragons to--guess what--loot dungeons and kill dragons; if I want realism I'll play GURPS or some shit. Do I really need to give away chunks of my loot to a small army of hangers-on who won't even let me cast detect evil on them to make sure they're not double agents (as the books suggest is possible)? Maybe it's best I keep them around, since monster descriptions routinely suggest they travel in groups of hundreds at a time. How the fuck did battles get resolved in less than a week?
And what the fuck is with the magic system? I don't mean the Vancian fire-and-forget stuff--that part I love--I mean how it seems determined to fuck over the user as much as it does the target. The rapid aging, the system shock, the resurrection survivals...yeesh. And don't you DARE say game balance to me! That can be addressed with ability score requirements and expensive material components...in fact, it IS!
Am...am I just spoiled here? Am I so used to 4th edition holding my hand I'm reading in hassles that simply aren't there? That has to be it. People did play this thing for eleven years, after all--some even still swear by it. All that bile against 4th edition has to be coming from somewhere, right?
So, would I play AD&D 2nd edition?
I...guess? I'll try anything once and all that. If nothing else, it was home to all the classic campaign settings (Dark Sun, Planescape, etc.)--if I ever do play this thing I'll have to insist it's with one of those. And there's something to be said for a ruleset that's somewhat impregnable; it feels more like an exclusive club--ooh! Maybe even a secret society! Oh, I don't understand football? Well, YOU don't understand Bend Bars/Lift Gates!
Still, though--Darin Smith, if you want your DMG back, you can have it. For seven dollars.
Well, I played this, and never used miniatures. Ever. At all.
ReplyDeleteIt was a lot of rolling, then describing what you wanted to do. Then the DM would decide if, in his head, that matched what was possible. Then you rolled to hit, or whatever. It was crazy, and shitty, and awesome and I still miss it sometimes.
Let's just say, that I'll always remember a two attack per round fighter getting a crit and a fumble and having the huge beast he was fighting fall on him and almost kill him. Glee!
--Shaun