And I didn't even get into grappling

Well, shit. Here goes.



Here it is--the very first Dungeons & Dragons book I ever bought. In pretty good shape at first appearances, until you take a look at the spine:



I have a rough idea when and where this happened, but I'm still not sure how. I believe I stepped on it wrong, but I'm not sure if it was me or one of the other psychos in my original group.

So. 3.5 edition D&D. What can be said about it that hasn't already been said about doing your own remodeling? It seems enriching and fulfilling at first, until about a quarter of the way through when your kitchen is in ruins, you can't figure out how to install the new sink without dropping it on your foot and you're buying the cheapest grout just to stay in the black. There's a reason I cringe every time a 4th edition books recycles 3.5 artwork.

This book's in the collection more as a courtesy than anything else--I sold off all my other few remaining 3.5 books not too long ago and I wasn't sure Powell's would take this one, what with the damaged spine. That and this edition DOES cast a pretty long shadow in my gaming history and I'd be remiss to ignore it.

This is the edition which introduced me to D&D, sorry to say. No, I can't claim any sort of long-term investment in tabletop gaming. Basically I started to get tired of video games, heard the new edition of D&D was pretty simple to learn and thought I'd give it a shot.

And it IS simple...up to a point. For very low-level campaigns (up to about level 5), 3.5 is damn-near perfect. So long as one sticks to the basics of "move from point A to point B, check for traps along the way, swing sword at monster, repeat", you'll get along fine. It's when you try anything more complicated (and trust me, you will) that it all starts to fall apart.

You see, Wizards of the Coast wanted an edition to lure in newbies, and in many ways they got one. This edition FINALLY sets "rolling high is good" in stone--no THAC0 to mess around with, no having to do algebra just to see if an attack connected. However, they wanted to keep the veteran players interested too, and for this reason they didn't seem quite willing to just toss a lit match on AD&D and start over at this point. So a lot of elements of AD&D got carried over into 3.5. Which is a fine idea in and of itself--you don't just eject that kind of pedigree without good reason, right? Unfortunately, nearly all the stuff that got held over were the elements of AD&D people found most annoying.

The end result? 3.5 does away with class limitations for nonhuman characters, but keeps ability score penalties. It keeps the Vancian magic system, but low-level wizards are still useless after one fight. It makes high dice rolls the law of the land, but keeps the no-save insta-kill effects. 3.5 still asks you to accept that your character invested the years of time needed to learn how to use a sword or bow, but somehow never learned how to throw a punch. And clerics are still the one class nobody wants to play but you can't leave the inn without. It keeps the nine-tier alignment system, even though people only knew how to roleplay about three of them. And the level drains. Dear god, the level drains.

And believe me, a LOT of monsters used level/ability-draining attacks. So many, in fact, that I was sometimes left wondering why this game even bothered using a hit point system. Worse yet, nearly all of them were touch attacks--i.e. the monster only had to lay a hand/feeler/whatever on you. So you either wound up spending a lot of time fussing over getting your Touch AC as high as possible, or suffered the indignity of your full-plate-wearing fighter keeling over because some ghost poked him.

In fact, "getting things as high as possible" sums up 3.5 pretty well. Powergaming is annoying in most rulesets--here, it's a coping mechanism. Back when I played 3.5 I despised munchkins in principle, yet thought nothing of taking the Endurance feat and getting mithril full-plate so I could sleep in my armor. I know, I know--it's just that 3.5 spent so much damn time trying to get you killed that wise players spent a lot of time and GP preparing for contingencies like that. Or just getting tired of them and set about breaking the game so as not to deal with them at all, as in the case of the inestimable Pun-Pun. Myself, I figured out how Two-Weapon Fighting went from "too much penalty hassle" to "unstoppable steel whirlwind" if you took the right feats.

Usually I end these reviews of old D&D stuff by saying how, given the opportunity, I'd be glad to give playing them a try. But in this case...no! I've been there! It's the spawn of hell and I'll never, ever play it again (Neverwinter Nights 2 doesn't count, right?)! I don't miss having rules for everything and everything, and all those rules having exceptions! I don't miss having to carry around three swords--each a different kind of metal--AND a mace, just to deal with damage resistances! I don't miss buying every new supplement because I think I need them to stay competitive, only to find out all the new prestige classes are rubbish (okay, this one's mostly my fault, but still...)! I don't miss having to recalculate my HP because I took CON damage! I don't miss having to deal with level adjustments just because I wanted to play something with scales! I don't miss buying the latest issue of Dragon and seeing stats for something from a PS2 game! I don't miss spending more time in combat arguing than actually fighting, because...er, because that one still happens actually.

But still! I think all these people who bitch about 4th edition should go back and give 3.5 another spin. Maybe THEN they'll remember what a bad ruleset looks like! Maybe THEN they'll learn not to bitch about something just because it's new (though lord knows that's a popular diversion amongst longtime D&D players)! I know, fat chance right? But seriously, most old-timers have a favorite old edition they look back on with nostalgia--does ANYONE do that for 3.5?

Anyway, this has gone on way too long--again. Long post short, 3.5 sucked and you suck for liking it. With this kind of intro, it's a miracle I still play tabletop RPGs at all...

Status of the site

No, I'm not shutting down! Tempting as it is...nobody ever leaves comments anymore *grumble* *grumble*

Quite the opposite, in fact. I've decided on an actual release schedule for new entries, apart from "whenever I feel like it". Yes, C.'s gone and developed hisself an honest doggone work ethic!

From now on, The Inverted Panopticon will update twice a week, barring unusual circumstances. And even that will probably result in a blog post announcing I'll be missing one or both entries that week--that still counts, right?

They'll still be about whatever I want, of course--D&D, crappy Youtube videos, games, etc. I have a few special projects in mind too.

So, that it for now! Watch this space and enjoy!

I was eating Oreos when I wrote this

We've all at one point or another puzzled over the fine print on the backs of our food wrappers. What are these so-called "ingredients"? we've wondered. Where do they come from? Thiamine Mononitrate? How is that a food? And most often we've wondered, just how does my favorite ingredient get out of the animals and into everything we eat? Well, wonder no longer, as The Inverted Panopticon set out to uncover the curious origins of America's favorite food additive. What we found may surprise you!

No matter what certain animal-rights fringe groups may tell you, those of us living on planet Earth know a meal without semen isn't worthy of the name. This wonder ingredient appears in nearly all commercially-available foodstuffs, either as a primary ingredient or a simple additive. Each person has different content preferences (personally, I prefer just enough to catch the taste), but the love for semen is truly--some might say surprisingly--universal.

Ask the average man on the street which variety of semen is best and he/she won't hesitate to say "why, pig semen, of course!" Indeed, pig extract, with its mild aroma and low calorie content, counts for a vast majority (some 43%, by industry reports) of semen sales. However, horse extract is a close contender, due to its similar flavor profile and a more economical production process--horses are larger than pigs and thus produce a correspondingly larger payload, necessitating fewer "milkings" per day. Due to these factors, horse extract is commonly found in more "downmarket" food products, as well as in products marketed to members of religious groups with dietary restrictions prohibiting the consumption of pork products. Bull extract is also commercially available, but seldom used due to its overpowering flavor and watery consistency. Extract from other animals tends not to be commercially produced, as they are nearly all considered "acquired tastes"--these are usually found only in specialty gourmet food outlets.

Of course, as with any food item, any semen product is only as good as its production quality standards. Recent years have seen legal restrictions on what extraction machinery may be used, as well as on frequency of extractions. Too many stimulations in a single day tends to place animals in significant physical distress, to say nothing of the drop in product quality (to quote an industry maxim, "once it turns pink, you know it'll stink"). Present-day extraction machinery is also designed to minimize discomfort, with an eye to preventing abrasion in particular. The previous industry standard, the Jizvac 3500, is regrettably still in use in certain Third World nations, despite its unfortunate tendency of "degloving" subjects' genitalia.

The best extracts, of course, originate from the Republic of Seychelles. There pigs of strictly the finest pedigree, fed on a luxurious diet of grain and filtered water, are "milked" by highly-trained extraction specialists bare-handed (they believe latex gloves ruin the aroma). Each pampered pig is extracted but once a week. The resulting extract--popularly, if crudely, known as "the Kobe beef of baby batter"--is used in the most exclusive fine-dining establishments, and has been known to fetch upwards of $1,000 per cubic centimeter on particularly fine seasons.

It is, of course, whispered in certain circles that pig extract is but diluted trash for the masses. Such individuals assert that, instead, human extract is the best. As I have not sampled it for myself I cannot comment as to the veracity of this. However, there is no disputing that obtaining human extract is at best a difficult, expensive chore and at worst a legal impossibility. The legal requirements and restrictions are naturally higher for human extraction, and wide-ranging social and religious taboos have led to often-effective campaigns against its sale. Many states and nations have banned its sale outright, and many of the others have attempted to stamp out the market with high taxes and production limits--to the dismay of many social libertarians, who loudly question why they can deposit their product into their significant others for free but cannot charge money for the "privilege".

In recent years, many black-to-gray market Third World imports have become commercially available, some of them even inexpensively so. However, these cannot be recommended under any circumstances. Assuming these products consist of seminal extract at all (popular substitutes include evaporated milk, epsom salt, and other less wholesome substances), most have not been thoroughly screened for disease and other contaminants. Additionally, many are produced in sweatshop-like conditions from somewhat less than willing subjects. And the less said about extracts originating from Southeast Asia, the better.

So as you can see, the world of semen extract is far more intriguing and complex than most consumers realize. Next time you sit staring idly staring at the ingredient label of your cream-of-mushroom soup, you'll know exactly how that all that creamy goodness made its way from testicles to tummy. Bon appetit!

Next week--Pus: Diseased or Delicious?

I just blue myself

We've already talked about the Red Box, the introductory set to D&D Basic Rules. That was meant to introduce new players and DMs to the game and get them familiar with the basics. It was a good set, which I found achieved what it set out to do.

However, that boxset only supported campaigns up to level 3. After that, you were introduced to perhaps the most important (for the publishers, at least) element of tabletop RPGs: constantly shelling out for new supplements.

Hence, the Blue Box.



Officially known as Set 2--Expert Rules, this boxset covers play through level 14. At which point--guess what?--you had to buy another boxset if you wanted to keep playing, assuming you didn't just switch to AD&D and buy those books instead.

Unlike my copy of the Red Box, my Blue Box was in VERY good condition. It was in its original shape and none of the edges were ripped. Like my Red Box, this copy was missing only the dice and *sigh* the fucking crayon. Was this a popular thing back in the early 80s? Because so was hair metal, and that's nothing to be proud of either.



The rulebook is also in exceptional condition--almost new, in fact. I probably could throw this one against the wall, not that I would; I have a little more respect for my collection than that. Not a whole lot, mind you, but some.



The boxset also includes Module X1, The Isle of Dread. This one's in somewhat worse shape--most notably the interior booklet and cover are no longer stapled together. But what's really interesting is the back cover:



The edition's first chainmail bikini! Funny, I don't recall seeing Go-Go Dancer on the list of available character classes. Must be in a supplement.

The box also included a couple of mail-in forms to join the RPGA. They're in decent shape--I didn't get pictures of those because, you know, who gives a fuck?

To be honest, this one isn't nearly so entertaining a read as the Red Box. The rulebook assumes you know what they're talking about at this point and consequently becomes very dry. The book introduces plenty of higher-level spells and monsters--most of the latter manage not to embarrass themselves, apart from the devil swine (a malevolent, mind-controlling, shapeshifting...pig). It also introduces the concept of level caps for nonhuman players, an illogical solution to a problem most players weren't aware existed. I've heard many groups chose to ignore the level-cap rules entirely, which resulted in balance issues (allegedly--some of the caps seem a little low to me, especially the halfling's). Party members are allowed to build a stronghold (castle for fighters and clerics, mage's tower for magic-users, etc.) upon reaching a certain level.

Personally I'd just as soon not bother with this bit, as it effectively turns this into a completely different game. You have to pay construction costs, keep the place maintained, hire and pay a garrison, etc. I play D&D to kill monsters and steal their belongings, damn it--if I wanted to deal with that crap I'd play the Crossroad Keep section of Neverwinter Nights 2 again (which, er, I am at the moment).

The book provides a lot more info on the game world's layout, establishing it more firmly as Mystara. No mention of the Hollow World yet, partly because these sets seem to operate on a need-to-know basis (the Red Box didn't stray much beyond the outskirts of the PCs' hometown), but mostly because that setting hadn't been developed yet. Yeah. Don't know why I even brought it up, really.

ANYWAY, there's also a bunch of adventure hooks, ranging from "clear the rats out of an old lady's attic" to "expose a popular local gambler as one of those shapeshifting evil pigs". My favorite, though, would be the one with an evil--sorry, chaotic--cleric raising zombies and using them to operate a local sawmill. Because, frankly, I think sawmills are an underused tableau in Dungeons & Dragons, don't you agree?

As modules go, The Isle of Dread isn't terribly interesting--there's no final goal to be accomplished, no firmly-established reason for the party to be on the island in the first place. It's mainly a collection of possible encounters, more like a miniature campaign setting than anything else. I guess it's all right if your group's into dinosaurs, restless natives, superintelligent giant spiders and flying-squirrel people.

So, would I play D&D Basic with Expert Rules? Eh, I guess so, but I don't see when or why I would. I mean, I'd be dabbling in older editions at most--I have 4th edition if I really want to get serious about D&D. I can't really foresee playing Basic often enough to get past level 3. Again, there's nothing wrong with this boxset at all (evil pigs aside), I just don't see how it effects me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off in search of the Go-Go Dancer Supplement.

"Why did I do this, again?"

That was the question running through my head over and over again last Saturday.

Unlike certain assholes I could mention, I elected to spend September 12th riding the MAX Green Line on its inaugural day of service. At no point did I call the train a Nazi or suggest it was from Kenya. Naturally, I wore my best green shirt for the occasion.

I rode one of the new-model trains from Pioneer Square to Clackamas Town Center. I rather like the new trains--they look a lot sleeker, both inside and out, and they lack the new buses' chlorine-and-farts smell.

As you might be able to imagine, the train was fucking RAMMED. Getting a seat was out of the question--I burrowed into a corner and counted myself lucky. Not the most comfortable position, but at least nobody was bumping their crotch into my ass.

Stickly, was it SLOW. It seemed like every single stop had someone in a wheelchair getting on or off. Just getting from Pioneer Square to Gateway seemed to take about 45 minutes, and that was only the halfway point. On top of that, the cacophony of screaming children trilled from every direction. Plus several of the people I was smooshed up against smelled like they hadn't bathed in days or weeks. To say nothing of the individuals who saw fit to talk on their cellphones at the top of their lungs, repeating everything at least twice.

What was odd about all this was how little it bothered me. Not a year ago any one of these circumstances would have driven me to near-homicidal ire, leaving me in a snit for the rest of the day. But instead I was oddly...calm. Goes to show how much I've changed in the past year, I supposit.

The new stops were all right, I guess--modern, but drab. There were some very lovely pieces of artwork at each, which I was in no position to get pictures of. The stops were so segregated I couldn't really see what was at each of them--I would've had to get off and walk around, and by that point I just wanted to get to Town Center and get this over with.

The Town Center stop itself was the flashiest--it stood on an elevated platform looking over the mall area, with a winding ramp, stairs, AND an elevator leading up to it, AND a skybridge linking it to a parking garage. Short of putting up a giant sign reading ESCAPE ROUTE, they couldn't have made it any more clear which way to go if you wanted to get out of Clackamas.

I hadn't been to Town Center since about December 2007, and it hadn't changed much. There were a few new chain restaurants in the parking lot, none of which you couldn't find downtown. The interior of the mall itself was exactly the same. Oh, there were a couple new stores--one of which hadn't been there on my last trip and was already having a going-out-of-business sale--but the basic layout was identical and pretty much everything I remembered was still there.

Not that I spent a lot of time investigating this. I went in, bought something to drink, when suddenly it hit me--"wait a minute, I've voluntarily traveled to Clackamas Town Center! Why have I done this terrible thing?!"

So I got out of the mall and got back to the escape route, fast as my overmuscled legs could carry me. Would you believe there was a line? Yes, the ramp was crammed full of people as desperate to get back to civilization as I. I was certain I'd be waiting half an hour or more just to reach the train platform, but somehow I got on the first available train.

It wasn't nearly as crowded on the way back, somehow--I even got a seat about halfway back to Gateway. It was a lot faster going too--they must have decided the wheelies were slowing them down too much and banned them for the rest of the day. As God intended.

Eventually I got back downtown--or "civilization", as I now thought of it. To cleanse the horrible experience from my palette, I went first to Ground Kontrol for a round or three of Ms. Pac-Man. Then I got propositioned by a hooker and her pimp. (I didn't plan this bit, it just sort of happened.) Then I went to Widmer's Oktoberfest celebration, inexplicably being held in September. THEN I went to another bar and spent the rest of the night describing a web cartoon where a man kills and dismembers his entire family to a pretty girl. By the time I finished that, I barely remembered there WAS a Green Line, let alone that I'd had a shitty time riding it.

So, would I ride Green Line again? Sure, why not? Silly question if you ask me. Sure, the first time out left me thinking I'd rather watch a Tyler Perry movie than do this again, but those were special circumstances. To me, MAX is a tool, nothing more. I have no sentimental attachment to it--it merely gets me from Point A to Point B, and quite efficiently at that. In fact, I rode it again the next day--I was headed towards Gateway and it was the first available train. By then the novelty had worn off and it wasn't any more crowded than any other MAX line. And I'm sure I'll need to get to one of the new stops sooner or later. Maybe even all the way down to Clackamas Town Center again, much as the mere thought makes me shudder...

"Dum-dum-dum-dum-dummmm!"

You know, I've been doing entirely too many posts about old D&D stuff lately. I need to knock it off for a bit before I turn into just another special-interest blog nobody cares about.

So today, I'm going back to the theme of my very first post and (over)analyze another horrifying Youtube video! You may recall my scathing denunciation of Attack Attack!'s execrable-yet-hilarious music video. In all likelihood I'll do another music video someday (NO I WILL NOT DO THAT BROKENCYDE VIDEO YOU FUCKS), but today I'd like to take a slightly different tack and dive into the seedy realm of badly-animated interreligious sniping.

Hence this, which doesn't seem to have a name other than some variation of "Cartoon Banned By The Mormon Church" (supposedly they get it taken down a lot, so let me know if you get a "video unavailable" message):



0:01--"Space. The Final Frontier." Boy, space sure is cottony today...

0:06--I have to hand it to the narrator--his voice IS pretty metal.

0:14--Two blonde people down, 384,495,329 to go.

0:17--Funny how gods always go for the Classical Greek motif. If the Classical Greeks had invented the safety pin, in this case.

0:26--DAMN, Elohim has big ears! Plus his right arm looks like a penis. (must...not...make..."baby's arm" joke...)

0:31--Mmhmm, fascinating, fascinating--wait, human parents WHERE? I'll get back to that.

0:35--HYAIIIIIEEEE!!! HIS GLASSY EYES SEE EVERY COLOR OF FEAR!!! *pant* *pant* Best get used to this. You know, if I was making a cartoon and couldn't draw a non-scary face to save my infant child's life I probably wouldn't zoom in on them so damn much.

0:45--So Elohim aged about 60 years in between dying and getting his own planet with 72 virgins (NO! BAD C.!)? Hey, all the cool gods were doing the bearded-old-man look back then!

0:51--Stickly, Elohim, did they ALL have to be the same model? I mean, I like Nilla Wafers but I throw in the occasional Oreo.

1:00--You don't know what I was thinking when I heard the phrase "endless celestial sex".

1:04--BILLIONS?! Okay, now you REALLY don't want to know what I was thinking.

1:13--Ah, here we see Elohim displaying this short's default facial expression, "eerie boredom".

1:16--Whoa, I didn't know James Hetfield was the devil! That WOULD explain St. Anger...

1:17--Eeeeeeeyeah. Jesus is the single creepiest-looking person in this thing. Somehow I don't think that was what they were aiming for.

1:24--See?! Earth hasn't even been CREATED yet at this point! So where the FUCK were those other humans?! Am I the only one who noticed this?! Hell, I guess it wouldn't be a creation myth if it made sense and was internally consistent.

1:27--Sadly, the last known Genital-Shield Bush died of blight in 1817.

1:38--"Screw you, Dad! The Heidi Montag clones totally dig my neckbeard!"

1:43--See, I don't know that I would've made Jesus look so much like an autistic rapist. Just sayin'.

2:05--"We'll show them! We'll never comb our hair again! BEDHEADZ 4 LYFE, YO!"

2:15--Why do I suddenly want to whistle the Futurama theme?

2:26--Yes. They went there. Sorry.

2:35--Yes, they're still going there. Sorry again. No, I don't know their explanation for Asians. I don't need to know that badly.

I should point out here that I did research this stuff. Most of it checks out, though the Mormon church did eventually retcon the explaining-the-races thing, if only to keep their tax-exempt status. So now they just hate gays. Moving on...

2:37--"White and delightsome"--didn't that used to be Wonder Bread's tagline? Hey, it's better than "We Found A Way To Bake Air".

2:57--Wait, it's a starbase now?

3:04--I like the look on their faces like "*sigh* Okay, let's get this fucking over with."

3:08--Why are all Mormons named Orson?

3:14--Um...do they mean the Mary I THINK they mean?

3:25--Yeah, Dan Brown! Write a crappy novel about THIS, bitch!

3:30--DAMN that wall's high!

3:36--"Gee, it sure was nice of Mr. Kirk to let me beam down first! Why did he want me to wear that red shirt, though? Oh well!"

3:38--This is my favorite bit right here. I love those "Say WHAAAAT?!" expressions.

3:45--"Hee hee hee! I like puppies!"

3:51--"Come on guys, so what if they have bronze armor and shields? We have stone-tipped arrows? How can we lose?"

3:56--"*sigh* Okay guys, tonight we dine in hell and all that. Let's just get this over with."

4:00--"Ha-ha! I bet you were expecting to get stabbed! Well, it's the pommel for you! Ha-ha!"

4:03--"Ha-ha! The bronze armor is like so much papier-mache! Luckily my xiphoid process caught the arrow! Ha-ha!"

4:21--Here we see Captain Murphy from Sealab 2021 hiding his favorite recipe book, The Secret Ingredient Is Love, Damn It!

4:36--And here's old Joey himself. You know, I try not to pick on one religion's specific quirks over another, because to me they're all equally bullshit. I will say, however, that most other religions' messiah figures tend not to have quite so many fraud convictions.

4:39--Hey! That thing's thicker than it was when Captain Murphy first hid it!

4:47--Animators of the world, please stop using rotoscoping. Even when it's not disturbing as hell, it just reminds people of the Ralph Bakshit version of The Lord of the Rings, and you don't want that.

4:50--Why are they all wearing the same outfit? Did they research this thing at a 19th century-themed restaurant?

5:08--Hey, those guys tried to talk to me on the way to work last week! That reminds me, I still need to send one of those guys a letter.

5:17--"Okay, that's Hitler outta the way! Somebody wheel in Stalin!"

5:18--Question: Why the fuck are they doing this at night? They're not gonna dig him up, are they?

5:24--I love the look on this guy's face. "Please don't know about the figging please don't know about the figging please don't know about the figging..."

5:30--And Jesus has a look on his face like "Oh, we know about the figging, Mr. Frantz. How, you may ask? You just told us." DUN-DUN-DUNNNNN!!!

If you saw the movie Religulous, you probably remember this bit...wait, so Joseph Smith got stuck as the afterlife's Paula Abdul? The frakking messiah didn't land his own planet of sex robots?

5:43--"Well, this is peculiar! Sweetie, were we this blonde back when we were alive?"

5:49--So, in the Mormon faith gods are basically Tyranids. Makes sense to me.

5:59--Oh, really? I begin to see why Mr. Big For His Britches didn't land the 72 virg I MEAN BLONDE SEX ROBOTS. Yes. That's what I meant.

This version doesn't have it, obviously, but the original version I saw of this on Youtube followed up the cartoon with a live-action segment. This thing, apparently, is a segment of a longer "documentary" dedicated to debunking Mormonism, made by some fundamentalist Christian group or another. What was funniest about that bit was how the fact that Mormon marriages sometimes end in divorce seemed to anger them more than the whole "God's an alien and Jesus and Satan were brothers" bit.

Well, unlike with the Attack Attack! video, I actually DO know what to say. Most of it, however, would be as angry and incoherent as this video, and nowhere near as entertaining. Try as I might, I just can't seem to make a mandatory sterilization rant funny, not in text form at least.

Besides, Mormons have brought so many good things into this world! Like, say, the Original Battlestar Galactica...wait, no, bad example. Oh! How about Children of the Mind...gack, no, even worse example. Uhh--Oh! Howsabout the Dragonlance novels...No, no, no! Oh, wait, I have one! How could I forget the

(Editor's Note: At this point, C. apparently smashed his monitor screen, intending to slash his wrists with one of the resulting shards of glass--however, because he is, in his own words, "a huge pain-wimp" this resulted only in minor lacerations. He was found shortly afterward applying the resulting blood to his own face--which he later explained to "war paint"--and muttering about dropping various abortifacients into the Great Salt Lake. Attempts to calm C. by explaining that the Great Salt Lake consists of saltwater--hence its name--and is therefore not used as a water supply proved unsuccessful. The Editor treated C.'s injuries and then--at C.'s request--proceeded to "kiss it and make it all better.")

I had a funny title for this post but I forgot it

So, as promised, here's Hollow World.



Unlike the red box, this is a complete copy. The box is in fair-to-good condition. Upon removing the shrinkwrap I found the top corners to be ripped, but otherwise it's far better than the red box's bottom-of-the-bookpile-chic look.




The rulebooks, on the other hand, were fucking PRISTINE. I'm not entirely convinced this set was ever actually used, though the condition of the box tells me it must have been. I was in genuine awe--I handled these things with a care approaching reverence.




The maps were also in good shape, though they showed some basic wear and tear on the folds. They're nicely-done--I had to fight the urge to put them up on my walls! And the cat's endless fascination with all things D&D continues. I knew I should have named her "DM Kitteh".

D&D Basic didn't have too much in the way of campaign settings--certainly not the plethora offered with AD&D. Most of those it did have were set in Mystara, a campaign world which got sort of lost in the shuffle and failed to outlive D&D Basic itself.

Hollow World is one of those settings. The basic concept is that the world of Mystara turned out to be--guess what?--hollow. The problem of gravity IS explained, but this should still mean the planet wouldn't have a magnetic field, or plate tectonics, or...

*WHAM* *WHAM* *WHAM* Sorry, I just realized I was trying to inject hard science into Dungeons & Dragons so I had to go slam my head against the wall as punishment. Not getting a square peg in that round hole, not even with a lathe.

Anyway, a bunch of Immortals (i.e. deities--Mystara's gods are nearly all mortals who reached one form of apotheosis or another), led by the superintelligent turtleneck-wearing dinosaur Ka the Preserver, hit upon the idea of terraforming the world's interior and using it as a nature preserve of sorts. Over time, they also started adding communities of dying civilizations, magically inhibiting them--using the "Spell of Preservation", which I came to think of as "the Tupperware spell"--so as to make them more or less culturally static (and provide justification for the planet of hats phenomenon, for once). They can still fight and enslave one another, but they can't be assimilated or wiped out. That's where the PCs come in--probably through the huge-ass holes at the planet's poles (and I just know some pussy indie-rock band will be swiping that for an album title).

My main gripe with Hollow World is that it tries way too hard to stay 1:1 with real-world ancient history. Damn near every culture described in the DM's Sourcebook is an expy of some ancient Earth civilization--Azcans (Aztecs), Nithians (ancient Egypt), Oltecs (Mayans), Beastmen (Inuit), etc., plus dinosaurs. Because everything's better with dinosaurs, right? (PROTIP: yes) They've usually been changed around a little--to introduce a little more gender equality or to create some obvious campaign antagonists; the Azcans, for example, are so incredibly evil I'm amazed nobody complained. Personally I play D&D to "experience" stuff I can't see on the History Channel. This setting is weird even by D&D standards (it's lit by an artificial sun that never goes down and the horizon curves up, for Stickly's sake)--if they'd taken that weirdness and run with it I would've been much happier.

Unlike the red box, this set is almost all fluff. I'd heard it was renowned for its completeness (that's why I sought it out) and I can see why. The level of detail on each culture in the DM's Sourcebook is nigh overwhelming, and there are a lot of them. Sure, they're not all winners, but even the duds (the Kogolor dwarves, the Kubitts) are more hilarious than irritating. And kudos to TSR for injecting some originality into the dark elves for once.

I couldn't help but notice a surprising number of typos in both this and the red box. I didn't mention it then because I thought it was just my nitpicky side at work again, but if anything Hollow World has even more grammar and spelling errors than the red box. Who copy-edited these things, Glenn Beck? You might not think it's a big deal--Chris--but remember these things are rulebooks, where even the most obvious errors could very well attract interest from the Lollipop Guild. Even if it that's not the case, it wouldn't kill you to look these things over before you charge people money for them. Hell, I write a free blog for an audience of, maybe, six and I still try to make sure words are spelled properly and the grammar is halfway decent. And that's why you should give me all your money. Right now.

The Player's Guide is pretty much a less detailed version of the DM's Sourcebook, including rules for playing characters from the various Hollow World cultures (which weapons/armor the Tupperware spell will/won't let them use, what bonuses they get if the limitation are severe, level caps, etc.), the penalties for going against cultural biases (the Tupperware spell won't even let you DISGUISE yourself as a member of another culture), the higher requirements for learning magic, which spells don't work in Hollow World, etc. Funnily enough, the DM's Sourcebook says not to let players read this Guide the whole way through, which seems a forlorn hope to me.

The Adventure Book is exactly what it sounds--sample adventures and plot hooks both for getting into the Hollow World and keeping players occupied once they're there. There's nothing particularly wrong with this one, but I was surprised at how meanspirited some of the hooks are--the Beastmen one in particular isn't suited to D&D's style of play at all. If I were running this I'd take it in an entirely different direction. Like the DM's Sourcebook it insists on making more work for DMs by making half the damn NPCs willing to join the party's entourage.

Again, I'd play Hollow World. The ruleset is starting to branch out a bit, testing the waters of demihumans with character classes (e.g. the warrior-elf and wokai, who were originally called "wicca". That's...unspeakably hilarious) and so forth. Its own simplicity sometimes gets in its way, especially with the alignment system--it seriously expects you to believe the plainly Lawful Evil Azcan emperor is Chaotic. It does, however, flirt with the system's boundaries, including sympathetic Chaotics and asshole Lawfuls. And the basic concept is similar enough to 4th edition's "Points of Light" conceit that it's an easy conceptual leap.

Oh, and I wasn't kidding about that turtleneck. See?

Hey kid, wanna see my big red box?

So, I picked up a copy of the 1983 Dungeons & Dragons Basic Set, commonly known as the "red box".

As you can see, the condition of the box left something to be desired. I don't know if someone sat on this or if it was just at the bottom of a stack of books, but the box is more caved-in than my underboobs. As you can see, the cat is dying to play.

Here are the rulebooks--yes, they used that exact same piece of artwork THREE TIMES. It's even more lazy and shameless than 4th Edition's recycling of 3rd Edition art. Notice also how the text is juuuuuust inconspicuous enough so it's easy to start reading the wrong one by mistake. How clever of TSR. These books are in okay condition--kind of fragile, but so long as you don't go throwing them against a wall they'll be fine. Whoever owned this thing last marked one of the DM Rulebook pages with a paperclip, leaving rust stains on the tops of several pages. The box was also supposed to contain dice and a crayon (more on that in a bit), but this copy didn't have them.

By this point in its history, Dungeons & Dragons was already well into the multiple-edition-clusterfuck stage. This was no less than the third version of D&D Basic in six years. Players were supposed to start with Basic and progress into Advanced as they grew more accustomed to the game, but TSR wound up dividing into camps--Gary Gygax, working on Advanced, wanted specific rules to cover any and every situation, while Basic's developers preferred a more improvisational approach--and the two versions of D&D effectively cut ties. Further adding to the confusion, the original tan box wasn't discontinued until 1979. Stickly, it's like they WANTED their fans to dissolve into squabbling factions. There's also a bizarre rumor that Basic was a plot to screw Dave Arneson out of credit and/or royalties. If that was the plan, I probably wouldn't have thanked the guy at the beginning of the Player's Guide, or listed him as D&D's co-creator at the beginning of the Dungeon Master's Rulebook, but maybe that's just me. (To make this even funnier, I've also heard a rumor that the second edition of AD&D was a plot to screw Gygax out of credit and royalties. Can we just agree these guys were shit businessmen and move on, please?)

Of all the various editions of D&D, this one is the most like a toy. The books are written to be easy for children to comprehend, and it bends over backwards to avoid causing offense ("no, a cleric's religion ISN'T important--look, let's just not talk about it, OKAY?!")--this might be the only pre-3rd version not to have any chainmail bikinis. Perhaps the most toy-like aspect, though, would be the dice--apparently you were supposed to color in the numbers on the dice with the crayon. What the hell? Was number-paint an option TSR forgot to order? Did the little paint-in-the-numbers robotic arm at the dice factory break down? Was a few dabs of paint just some unspeakable financial hardship but that closet full of crayons was just sitting there? I wanna know, dammit!

Speaking of the art, apart from the flagrant copying it's pretty good--nothing in here looks like Erol Otus fingerpainting on a Trapper Keeper with his own feces. Sure, it mostly rips off Barry Windsor-Smith, but what fantasy artist didn't back in the 80s?

The Player's Guide introduces you to the rules in an unusual way by D&D standards--it starts you off playing solo. Naturally you play a fighter, since we're still in the period where that's the only useful class at 1st level. I played this section myself (NO, I didn't use the included character sheet--I just wrote it all out on scratch paper) and I have to admit it worked pretty well. What's really odd, though, is that the Player's Guide also plugs a few solo modules. Funny, I can't imagine those being big sellers. Also, I don't know if I would've thrown a solo 1st-level fighter up against a rust monster. I mean, I beat it, but still. Actually, since the Basic rust monster isn't capable of physically hurting you, it occurs to me that an effective strategy would be to strip naked and beat it to death with your fists.

A bit about classes--I think it's funny how the Player's Guide basically admits "yeah, you can play a party of all fighters and you'll probably be okay". 1st-level wizards--sorry, "magic-users", because why use one word when you can use two, right?--are even more useless than usual; their spellbook is very, very heavy and they don't even get to pick their own spells. Clerics are as boring and indispensable as ever, and thieves use WAAAAAAY too many percentile rolls. Also, the non-human races (elf, dwarf, and halfling) are their own classes because TSR were a bunch of cocksucking racists. They claim the demihumans are more powerful, but that only really seems true of one of them (PROTIP: it's the elf).

This edition uses the deeply, deeply stupid lower-is-better Armor Class system, with chart for what you need to roll to hit depending on AC and hit dice. I actually approve for once--this is aimed at children, after all, but why make things easy on the little bastards? Just wait 'til they see THAC0--then they'll beg for Uncle Gary's red box! BEG, I TELL YOU!!! *pant* *pant* Sorry.

The Dungeon Master's Rulebook contains the standard DM stuff--monsters, treasure tables, and a sample adventure. This set is only for levels 1-3, so it doesn't have TOO many insta-kill traps/monsters, but it can't resist putting a few in there (such as the normal poison rules, and one trap in the sample adventure involving a set of golden plates). To paraphrase Blackbeard, if TSR didn't kill one of you occasionally, you might forget who they were. It's actually not nearly as sadistic as AD&D, though--the Rulebook warns DMs that just because you can throw ten goblins at once at a 1st-level party doesn't mean you should and so forth. What's really weird, I think, is that experience is partly--hell, mostly--based on how much lewt you wind up with (1 gp=1 xp). Yes, excellent! They'll be fighting over treasure division as it is--maybe this way they'll even shed blood MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry again.

So, if the opportunity came up, would I play this? Yes. It's as bare bones as D&D gets--there is pretty much no fluff of any kind in these books, even the alignment system is so abstract they might as well have left it out--but that just increases its pick-up-and-play value. This edition is almost perfectly suited to one-shots. It's a great edition for dashing off characters you have nothing invested in and killing them off in increasingly hilarious ways, and sometimes that's what you're looking for in a D&D game. I'm not about to toss aside 4th edition or anything, but yeah, I'd play this. Probably enjoy it, too.

TSR, however, were still racists. Who liked the taste of penis.