"Why did I do this, again?"

That was the question running through my head over and over again last Saturday.

Unlike certain assholes I could mention, I elected to spend September 12th riding the MAX Green Line on its inaugural day of service. At no point did I call the train a Nazi or suggest it was from Kenya. Naturally, I wore my best green shirt for the occasion.

I rode one of the new-model trains from Pioneer Square to Clackamas Town Center. I rather like the new trains--they look a lot sleeker, both inside and out, and they lack the new buses' chlorine-and-farts smell.

As you might be able to imagine, the train was fucking RAMMED. Getting a seat was out of the question--I burrowed into a corner and counted myself lucky. Not the most comfortable position, but at least nobody was bumping their crotch into my ass.

Stickly, was it SLOW. It seemed like every single stop had someone in a wheelchair getting on or off. Just getting from Pioneer Square to Gateway seemed to take about 45 minutes, and that was only the halfway point. On top of that, the cacophony of screaming children trilled from every direction. Plus several of the people I was smooshed up against smelled like they hadn't bathed in days or weeks. To say nothing of the individuals who saw fit to talk on their cellphones at the top of their lungs, repeating everything at least twice.

What was odd about all this was how little it bothered me. Not a year ago any one of these circumstances would have driven me to near-homicidal ire, leaving me in a snit for the rest of the day. But instead I was oddly...calm. Goes to show how much I've changed in the past year, I supposit.

The new stops were all right, I guess--modern, but drab. There were some very lovely pieces of artwork at each, which I was in no position to get pictures of. The stops were so segregated I couldn't really see what was at each of them--I would've had to get off and walk around, and by that point I just wanted to get to Town Center and get this over with.

The Town Center stop itself was the flashiest--it stood on an elevated platform looking over the mall area, with a winding ramp, stairs, AND an elevator leading up to it, AND a skybridge linking it to a parking garage. Short of putting up a giant sign reading ESCAPE ROUTE, they couldn't have made it any more clear which way to go if you wanted to get out of Clackamas.

I hadn't been to Town Center since about December 2007, and it hadn't changed much. There were a few new chain restaurants in the parking lot, none of which you couldn't find downtown. The interior of the mall itself was exactly the same. Oh, there were a couple new stores--one of which hadn't been there on my last trip and was already having a going-out-of-business sale--but the basic layout was identical and pretty much everything I remembered was still there.

Not that I spent a lot of time investigating this. I went in, bought something to drink, when suddenly it hit me--"wait a minute, I've voluntarily traveled to Clackamas Town Center! Why have I done this terrible thing?!"

So I got out of the mall and got back to the escape route, fast as my overmuscled legs could carry me. Would you believe there was a line? Yes, the ramp was crammed full of people as desperate to get back to civilization as I. I was certain I'd be waiting half an hour or more just to reach the train platform, but somehow I got on the first available train.

It wasn't nearly as crowded on the way back, somehow--I even got a seat about halfway back to Gateway. It was a lot faster going too--they must have decided the wheelies were slowing them down too much and banned them for the rest of the day. As God intended.

Eventually I got back downtown--or "civilization", as I now thought of it. To cleanse the horrible experience from my palette, I went first to Ground Kontrol for a round or three of Ms. Pac-Man. Then I got propositioned by a hooker and her pimp. (I didn't plan this bit, it just sort of happened.) Then I went to Widmer's Oktoberfest celebration, inexplicably being held in September. THEN I went to another bar and spent the rest of the night describing a web cartoon where a man kills and dismembers his entire family to a pretty girl. By the time I finished that, I barely remembered there WAS a Green Line, let alone that I'd had a shitty time riding it.

So, would I ride Green Line again? Sure, why not? Silly question if you ask me. Sure, the first time out left me thinking I'd rather watch a Tyler Perry movie than do this again, but those were special circumstances. To me, MAX is a tool, nothing more. I have no sentimental attachment to it--it merely gets me from Point A to Point B, and quite efficiently at that. In fact, I rode it again the next day--I was headed towards Gateway and it was the first available train. By then the novelty had worn off and it wasn't any more crowded than any other MAX line. And I'm sure I'll need to get to one of the new stops sooner or later. Maybe even all the way down to Clackamas Town Center again, much as the mere thought makes me shudder...