I was eating Oreos when I wrote this

We've all at one point or another puzzled over the fine print on the backs of our food wrappers. What are these so-called "ingredients"? we've wondered. Where do they come from? Thiamine Mononitrate? How is that a food? And most often we've wondered, just how does my favorite ingredient get out of the animals and into everything we eat? Well, wonder no longer, as The Inverted Panopticon set out to uncover the curious origins of America's favorite food additive. What we found may surprise you!

No matter what certain animal-rights fringe groups may tell you, those of us living on planet Earth know a meal without semen isn't worthy of the name. This wonder ingredient appears in nearly all commercially-available foodstuffs, either as a primary ingredient or a simple additive. Each person has different content preferences (personally, I prefer just enough to catch the taste), but the love for semen is truly--some might say surprisingly--universal.

Ask the average man on the street which variety of semen is best and he/she won't hesitate to say "why, pig semen, of course!" Indeed, pig extract, with its mild aroma and low calorie content, counts for a vast majority (some 43%, by industry reports) of semen sales. However, horse extract is a close contender, due to its similar flavor profile and a more economical production process--horses are larger than pigs and thus produce a correspondingly larger payload, necessitating fewer "milkings" per day. Due to these factors, horse extract is commonly found in more "downmarket" food products, as well as in products marketed to members of religious groups with dietary restrictions prohibiting the consumption of pork products. Bull extract is also commercially available, but seldom used due to its overpowering flavor and watery consistency. Extract from other animals tends not to be commercially produced, as they are nearly all considered "acquired tastes"--these are usually found only in specialty gourmet food outlets.

Of course, as with any food item, any semen product is only as good as its production quality standards. Recent years have seen legal restrictions on what extraction machinery may be used, as well as on frequency of extractions. Too many stimulations in a single day tends to place animals in significant physical distress, to say nothing of the drop in product quality (to quote an industry maxim, "once it turns pink, you know it'll stink"). Present-day extraction machinery is also designed to minimize discomfort, with an eye to preventing abrasion in particular. The previous industry standard, the Jizvac 3500, is regrettably still in use in certain Third World nations, despite its unfortunate tendency of "degloving" subjects' genitalia.

The best extracts, of course, originate from the Republic of Seychelles. There pigs of strictly the finest pedigree, fed on a luxurious diet of grain and filtered water, are "milked" by highly-trained extraction specialists bare-handed (they believe latex gloves ruin the aroma). Each pampered pig is extracted but once a week. The resulting extract--popularly, if crudely, known as "the Kobe beef of baby batter"--is used in the most exclusive fine-dining establishments, and has been known to fetch upwards of $1,000 per cubic centimeter on particularly fine seasons.

It is, of course, whispered in certain circles that pig extract is but diluted trash for the masses. Such individuals assert that, instead, human extract is the best. As I have not sampled it for myself I cannot comment as to the veracity of this. However, there is no disputing that obtaining human extract is at best a difficult, expensive chore and at worst a legal impossibility. The legal requirements and restrictions are naturally higher for human extraction, and wide-ranging social and religious taboos have led to often-effective campaigns against its sale. Many states and nations have banned its sale outright, and many of the others have attempted to stamp out the market with high taxes and production limits--to the dismay of many social libertarians, who loudly question why they can deposit their product into their significant others for free but cannot charge money for the "privilege".

In recent years, many black-to-gray market Third World imports have become commercially available, some of them even inexpensively so. However, these cannot be recommended under any circumstances. Assuming these products consist of seminal extract at all (popular substitutes include evaporated milk, epsom salt, and other less wholesome substances), most have not been thoroughly screened for disease and other contaminants. Additionally, many are produced in sweatshop-like conditions from somewhat less than willing subjects. And the less said about extracts originating from Southeast Asia, the better.

So as you can see, the world of semen extract is far more intriguing and complex than most consumers realize. Next time you sit staring idly staring at the ingredient label of your cream-of-mushroom soup, you'll know exactly how that all that creamy goodness made its way from testicles to tummy. Bon appetit!

Next week--Pus: Diseased or Delicious?