So today, I'm going back to the theme of my very first post and (over)analyze another horrifying Youtube video! You may recall my scathing denunciation of Attack Attack!'s execrable-yet-hilarious music video. In all likelihood I'll do another music video someday (NO I WILL NOT DO THAT BROKENCYDE VIDEO YOU FUCKS), but today I'd like to take a slightly different tack and dive into the seedy realm of badly-animated interreligious sniping.
Hence this, which doesn't seem to have a name other than some variation of "Cartoon Banned By The Mormon Church" (supposedly they get it taken down a lot, so let me know if you get a "video unavailable" message):
0:01--"Space. The Final Frontier." Boy, space sure is cottony today...
0:06--I have to hand it to the narrator--his voice IS pretty metal.
0:14--Two blonde people down, 384,495,329 to go.
0:17--Funny how gods always go for the Classical Greek motif. If the Classical Greeks had invented the safety pin, in this case.
0:26--DAMN, Elohim has big ears! Plus his right arm looks like a penis. (must...not...make..."baby's arm" joke...)
0:31--Mmhmm, fascinating, fascinating--wait, human parents WHERE? I'll get back to that.
0:35--HYAIIIIIEEEE!!! HIS GLASSY EYES SEE EVERY COLOR OF FEAR!!! *pant* *pant* Best get used to this. You know, if I was making a cartoon and couldn't draw a non-scary face to save my infant child's life I probably wouldn't zoom in on them so damn much.
0:45--So Elohim aged about 60 years in between dying and getting his own planet with
0:51--Stickly, Elohim, did they ALL have to be the same model? I mean, I like Nilla Wafers but I throw in the occasional Oreo.
1:00--You don't know what I was thinking when I heard the phrase "endless celestial sex".
1:04--BILLIONS?! Okay, now you REALLY don't want to know what I was thinking.
1:13--Ah, here we see Elohim displaying this short's default facial expression, "eerie boredom".
1:16--Whoa, I didn't know James Hetfield was the devil! That WOULD explain St. Anger...
1:17--Eeeeeeeyeah. Jesus is the single creepiest-looking person in this thing. Somehow I don't think that was what they were aiming for.
1:24--See?! Earth hasn't even been CREATED yet at this point! So where the FUCK were those other humans?! Am I the only one who noticed this?! Hell, I guess it wouldn't be a creation myth if it made sense and was internally consistent.
1:27--Sadly, the last known Genital-Shield Bush died of blight in 1817.
1:38--"Screw you, Dad! The Heidi Montag clones totally dig my neckbeard!"
1:43--See, I don't know that I would've made Jesus look so much like an autistic rapist. Just sayin'.
2:05--"We'll show them! We'll never comb our hair again! BEDHEADZ 4 LYFE, YO!"
2:15--Why do I suddenly want to whistle the Futurama theme?
2:26--Yes. They went there. Sorry.
2:35--Yes, they're still going there. Sorry again. No, I don't know their explanation for Asians. I don't need to know that badly.
I should point out here that I did research this stuff. Most of it checks out, though the Mormon church did eventually retcon the explaining-the-races thing, if only to keep their tax-exempt status. So now they just hate gays. Moving on...
2:37--"White and delightsome"--didn't that used to be Wonder Bread's tagline? Hey, it's better than "We Found A Way To Bake Air".
2:57--Wait, it's a starbase now?
3:04--I like the look on their faces like "*sigh* Okay, let's get this fucking over with."
3:08--Why are all Mormons named Orson?
3:14--Um...do they mean the Mary I THINK they mean?
3:25--Yeah, Dan Brown! Write a crappy novel about THIS, bitch!
3:30--DAMN that wall's high!
3:36--"Gee, it sure was nice of Mr. Kirk to let me beam down first! Why did he want me to wear that red shirt, though? Oh well!"
3:38--This is my favorite bit right here. I love those "Say WHAAAAT?!" expressions.
3:45--"Hee hee hee! I like puppies!"
3:51--"Come on guys, so what if they have bronze armor and shields? We have stone-tipped arrows? How can we lose?"
3:56--"*sigh* Okay guys, tonight we dine in hell and all that. Let's just get this over with."
4:00--"Ha-ha! I bet you were expecting to get stabbed! Well, it's the pommel for you! Ha-ha!"
4:03--"Ha-ha! The bronze armor is like so much papier-mache! Luckily my xiphoid process caught the arrow! Ha-ha!"
4:21--Here we see Captain Murphy from Sealab 2021 hiding his favorite recipe book, The Secret Ingredient Is Love, Damn It!
4:36--And here's old Joey himself. You know, I try not to pick on one religion's specific quirks over another, because to me they're all equally bullshit. I will say, however, that most other religions' messiah figures tend not to have quite so many fraud convictions.
4:39--Hey! That thing's thicker than it was when Captain Murphy first hid it!
4:47--Animators of the world, please stop using rotoscoping. Even when it's not disturbing as hell, it just reminds people of the Ralph Bakshit version of The Lord of the Rings, and you don't want that.
4:50--Why are they all wearing the same outfit? Did they research this thing at a 19th century-themed restaurant?
5:08--Hey, those guys tried to talk to me on the way to work last week! That reminds me, I still need to send one of those guys a letter.
5:17--"Okay, that's Hitler outta the way! Somebody wheel in Stalin!"
5:18--Question: Why the fuck are they doing this at night? They're not gonna dig him up, are they?
5:24--I love the look on this guy's face. "Please don't know about the figging please don't know about the figging please don't know about the figging..."
5:30--And Jesus has a look on his face like "Oh, we know about the figging, Mr. Frantz. How, you may ask? You just told us." DUN-DUN-DUNNNNN!!!
If you saw the movie Religulous, you probably remember this bit...wait, so Joseph Smith got stuck as the afterlife's Paula Abdul? The frakking messiah didn't land his own planet of sex robots?
5:43--"Well, this is peculiar! Sweetie, were we this blonde back when we were alive?"
5:49--So, in the Mormon faith gods are basically Tyranids. Makes sense to me.
5:59--Oh, really? I begin to see why Mr. Big For His Britches didn't land the
This version doesn't have it, obviously, but the original version I saw of this on Youtube followed up the cartoon with a live-action segment. This thing, apparently, is a segment of a longer "documentary" dedicated to debunking Mormonism, made by some fundamentalist Christian group or another. What was funniest about that bit was how the fact that Mormon marriages sometimes end in divorce seemed to anger them more than the whole "God's an alien and Jesus and Satan were brothers" bit.
Well, unlike with the Attack Attack! video, I actually DO know what to say. Most of it, however, would be as angry and incoherent as this video, and nowhere near as entertaining. Try as I might, I just can't seem to make a mandatory sterilization rant funny, not in text form at least.
Besides, Mormons have brought so many good things into this world! Like, say, the Original Battlestar Galactica...wait, no, bad example. Oh! How about Children of the Mind...gack, no, even worse example. Uhh--Oh! Howsabout the Dragonlance novels...No, no, no! Oh, wait, I have one! How could I forget the
(Editor's Note: At this point, C. apparently smashed his monitor screen, intending to slash his wrists with one of the resulting shards of glass--however, because he is, in his own words, "a huge pain-wimp" this resulted only in minor lacerations. He was found shortly afterward applying the resulting blood to his own face--which he later explained to "war paint"--and muttering about dropping various abortifacients into the Great Salt Lake. Attempts to calm C. by explaining that the Great Salt Lake consists of saltwater--hence its name--and is therefore not used as a water supply proved unsuccessful. The Editor treated C.'s injuries and then--at C.'s request--proceeded to "kiss it and make it all better.")
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