The things I put myself through

In keeping with my desire to become the latest person to torture himself on the Internet for the amusement of others, I've decided to spend my inaugural post covering an awful, awful song and its attendant (equally awful) music video.

Folks, I'm not going to say this is the worst song/video I've ever heard/seen. I'm not one of those goldfish-brained people who has a new "worst thing ever" every week. Suffice it to say it's the worst thing this week. And last week. Maybe even next week, too. It's bad, people.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Attack Attack's "Stick Stickly".



Tempting as it is to let this atrocity speak for itself, I think I prefer to give a full analysis of this three-and-a-half minute abortion, to further explore what it's like when a song fails on every conceivable level.

0:04--Fade in...YAAAAGH!!! *pant, pant* Sorry. Please, PLEASE tell me she's not in the rest of the video.

0:05--Lovely scene of desolation here. Put it in black-and-white, slap some Photoshop filters over it and it'd make a half-decent black metal album cover. But it's not to last...

0:07--Aaaaaand cue yowling idiot! Yes people, it's one of THOSE bands. At this point I'm convinced that Hot Topics spew these out in endless streams, like the monster generators in Gauntlet.

0:11--A word bubble just told me to "STOP HATIN ON ATTACK ATTACK!" No chance of that, I'm afraid. I love how this song STARTS with a mallcore breakdown so all the teenagers can get started on jumping up and down like twats nice and early.

0:16--I just noticed this band makes a very odd squatting motion as they play. They look like they're taking a shit. Perfect visual metaphor.

0:21--Hear that tremolo riff at the bottom of the mix? That's officially the coolest thing about this song. Don't get attached to it.

0:22--AAACK! There she is again! I like how he has a reassuring hand on her shoulder like, "there there--the natives of the Uncanny Valley have a rich cultural heritage!"

0:35--Tremolo riff's done. Replaced with singer's armband tattoo. Not a good tradeoff.

0:42--Clean vocals now. Just as whiny and unappealing as the screaming.

0:50--Nononodon'tzoominonherfaceYEEEAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!

0:53--You know, these guys all look the same. Pasty skin, dark hair--It's like The Boys From Brazil started a mallcore band. The only one I call tell apart is the doughy screamer. Because he's fat.

1:08--Yes, this house is far and away the best thing about this video. I just wish Pillsbury Screamboy would quit blocking the camera so I could see it.

1:18--And another breakdown! At least they know how to pander to their fanbase...their horrible, horrible fanbase who must be purified with fire so their foul taint doesn't spread any further.

1:20--"Hey! Poop outside like everyone else, mister!"

I looked up this song's lyrics, by the way. It turns out Attack Attack are a CHRISTIAN mallcore band. How many more coats of horrible are they gonna slap on this thing?

1:29--Seriously, don't bands death-growl anymore? Maybe when his balls drop. Assuming he can see them when they do. Because he's fat. Did I mention that?

Do you have any fucking idea how many songs like this I've heard? Back before I discovered Youtube and Headbanger's Ball was still on at a decent hour, I heard them ALL the goddamn time. For every video by someone good like, say, Celtic Frost (Satan rest them) you had to put up with five by skinny-jeans-wearing motherfuckers like these. There's a reason that show runs at 2 a.m. now.

1:35--And now creepy bitch is making it a singalong. Lady, you're haunting my nightmares as it is--can you at LEAST not encourage them?

1:37--Fatso, his shit taken, now kicks dirt over it like a cat.

1:42--SENSITIVE PIANO PART okay, it's done. What was the point of that again?

1:50--And whiny guitarist joins in again. Notice how the Lord has blessed him with TWO sets of vocal chords, allowing him to sing two parts simultaneously. Modern albums are overproduced, is what I'm saying.

2:13--Okay! We can all see your hair! We know you spent more time on it than you did on this song! You don't need to keep tossing it around!

2:25--Multiple rimshots! Maybe that means the song is a joke? Oh, sorry, I said "maybe" when I meant "definitely".

2:30--BIG scream! Let me check again...hmmmm...nope, sorry, you're STILL not a badass! You are, however, still fat.

2:31--Creepy bitch sez: "Dear god, make it stop!" I feel ya, lady.

2:33--Oh goody, ANOTHER breakdown! Okay, now I'm just bored.

Why is this song called "Stick Stickly", anyway? I think I'm not getting a key reference. Is that a nickname for Jesus? If it's not it should be. That's it--from now on I'm calling Jesus "Stick Stickly"! It'll be this blog's "thing"!

2:40--"BOOOWWWW YOUUUUR HEAAAAD!" Er, no, I don't think I shall. Because I'm pretty sure you're talking about Ol' Stickly and I listen to WAY too much black metal for that.

2:46--What?

2:50--WHAT?!

2:52--The FUCK?!

2:54--And now they're ALL doing the cat-litter dance? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

2:55--And now T-Pain vocals?! Other people can see this, right? I haven't just been driven irretrievably mad by the horrible song, RIGHT?!

3:10--It's still going. Dear god, it's...still going.

3:21--Okay, back to plain ol' terrible now.

Seriously, what the HELL happened there? And why can't I shake the feeling that it was aimed at me personally? It's like Attack Attack somehow KNEW how trite and unappealing I would find this song and decided, for 30 glorious seconds, to turn it into the weirdest goddamned thing I've ever heard. And I say that as someone who owns Mr. Bungle's Disco Volante album.

3:27--At long last, the final note. Fade out on Creepy-adorned chair.

People, I...don't know what to say. My first entry and I'm ALREADY at a loss for words. I mean, I could have done a post like this on any bullshit screamo song, but how many bullshit screamo songs have what may be the single greatest Big Lipped Alligator Moment in musical history?! Had they not switched to an even CRAPPIER form of music it would've come close to redeeming the whole damn song! As it is it just makes a forgettable pile of crap an unforgettable pile of crap.