Police Report On Death Of Billy Mays

Subject was found in bedroom of his Tampa, Florida home. The body was laying in bed, nude and arranged in a cross position. Subject's head was at the foot of the bed, possibly implying an "inverted cross". There were no signs of struggle and nothing in the room was disturbed or reported missing. Subject appeared to be in good health apart from an apparent swelling or goiter in his throat; however, the subject's medical records indicated no history of this.

The top half of the mattress was soaked in blood, later determined to be the subject's. Cursory examination of the body revealed that the subject's testicles had been removed. Lab analysis of the wound indicated they had been torn from the body, likely with bare hands--no knife marks were found.

Investigation was continued into the adjoining bathroom. Again, nothing was out of place or reported missing. However, a device--later identified as a Slap Chop brand food chopper--was found in the sink, covered in blood later determined to be the subject's. No fingerprints were found on the device. The device's blades were coated in a reddish-pink "slurry". Tests later revealed this to be the subject's missing organ. The phrase YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS was found written on the bathroom wall in a mixture of blood (the subject's), semen (the subject's) and organ matter (again, the subject's).

Due to the lack of other apparent trauma, investigators on the scene initially believed the cause of death to be shock and loss of blood resulting from the pelvic trauma. However, the true cause of death--as well as the subject's throat swelling--was revealed during autopsy. The coroner found a foreign object in the subject's throat, lodged so deeply it was undetectable via external inspection, even if the subject's mouth were opened. The object--later identified as a Shamwow!(c) brand absorbent towel--was found to have brought about the subject's death through asphyxiation. The object had additionally caused significant trauma to the subject's trachea during insertion. Further tests revealed the object had absorbed ten(10) times its weight of the subject's blood, swelling to considerable size and becoming visible as a "goiter".

At the time of this report's writing, the investigation is ongoing.