You (insert derogatory noun here)

Damn you, Howard Phillips.

You tricked me.

As a child, reading your hilarious adventures in Video Game Land with a turkey-headed preteen, little did I suspect that one day you would dupe me into giving my barely-earned money to a Mormon of the worst order. A man who believes those who don't share his preference of body orifice eat white babies right out of the cradle.

You see, the Xbox Live game Shadow Complex is based in the setting of the novel Empire, the latest neocon twaddle from formerly respectable science fiction author/homophobic asshole Orson Scott Card. And it's really freaking good. Seriously, it's a Metroidvania game of the best kind. It's everything the critics have been saying about it, and that's a rarity.

And it really fucking hurts to recommend it. Because there's no escaping the fact that some of the $15 you spend on it--and it may not be any vast amount, but still--will go into the coffers of a man who considers the legalization of same-sex marriage grounds for armed rebellion. In fact, Card really, REALLY likes talking about how much he hates gay people. And as we all know, the people who scream loudest about this stuff tend to have the most to hide.

And yet, this is still a really good game.

So take my money, Mr. Card, with my blessing. Take the dollar or whatever you get in royalties from the 1200 points I spent buying Shadow Complex. You'll doubtless need it for legal fees when you inevitably get caught tapping your toes in a Salt Lake City International Airport men's room. But know this:

You still suck. Not just cock, but in general. You hit your literary peak 24 years ago and since then your writing talent's evaporated along with your brains and your empathy. Oh, and you're not just ugly on the inside:





Stickly! You look like one of those Down's Syndrome kids. That'd certainly explain a lot, but every Down's Syndrome kid I ever met was a lot nicer than you. Hey, if you can make fun of others for being born different, I can make fun of YOU for being born Mom-slapping hideous.

And you know what? I hope gay marriage DOES become legal (well, I already did) and you DO try to start another Civil War over it. Because the thought of you being forced to your (no doubt heavily callused) knees and drilled through the back of the head as a traitor verges on boner-inducing to me.

Get fucked. Oh, and good game by the way.